April 19th, 2007

More Wisdom From Chocolate

A while back (1 year, 6 months, and 7 days ago) I wrote an entry entitled “Advice From Chocolate.” It was a scientific study of the sayings on the insides of the wrappers to Dove Dark Chocolate Promises. I went through a bag of the chocolates and kept careful track of what each saying was, what order I pulled each saying out, and how many of each saying there were. The short version for those with no desire to wade through the rather lengthy previous entry is that there were 41 chocolates in the bag and 19 different sayings represented.

Earlier this week I was in a mood for chocolate (hey, guys have comfort foods, too!), so I bought a bag. While I love dark chocolate, I’ve been on a milk chocolate kick lately, so I bought a bag of Dove Milk Chocolate Promises this time around. The first saying was very familiar, and my low-level OCD kicked in again. I didn’t keep track of the order this time, just the frequency of the sayings. I’ve listed them below with my thoughts, and have starred the ones that appeared in the previously tested bag of chocolates. The number in parenthesis is how many times the saying showed up in this bag.

  1. Be fearless (2) – Forget bungie jumping – eat a bag of chocolate and don’t worry about your arteries!
  2. Sing along with the elevator music (3) – Okay, but only if it’s “My Heart Will Go On,” because I don’t know the words to “The Girl from Ipanema.” Wait – did I just reveal I know the words to “My Heart Will Go On”? Carp. Disregard that.
  3. *Remember your first everything (2) – I will never forget the first time I nearly bit my tongue off nor the first time I put a rusty nail through the side of my foot. This is my promise to you, Dove Chocolate!
  4. Get your feet massaged (5) – Ewww. No. Nor will I have them bitten. Nor encased in ice. Just – no. Stay away from my feet.
  5. *Go to your special place (3) – I suppose I could go to another Cowboys game this year…
  6. Listen to your heartbeat and dance (3) – But… dancing would increase my heart rate, which would then increase my dancing rate, which… Dude! I just ate a bag of chocolate! Are you trying to kill me??
  7. Buy yourself flowers (1) – Alternatively, poke yourself in the eye with a sharp stick. Or provoke a skunk. Or get a cat that bites you constantly. These are all about equal.
  8. *Make your eyes twinkle (5) – If the Borg can do it, so can you.
  9. *Send a love letter this week (1) – “Dear Winona, You’ve stolen my heart…”
  10. *Smile. People will wonder what you’ve been up to. (2) – OH MY WORD CAN WE RETIRE THIS PHRASE FROM THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE ALREADY? ARGH!
  11. Smile before bed. You’ll sleep better. (1) – It will also make the bedbugs wonder what you’ve been up to.
  12. Sometimes one smile means more than a dozen roses (1) – And sometimes one restraining order means more than a dozen cans of pepper spray.
  13. When two hearts race, both win (2) – Unless they’re racing to the finish. Then both lose.

Those keeping track will notice there were fewer sayings this time around (13 vs. 19), and fewer chocolates in this bag: 34 now vs. 41 a year and a half ago. Further, those same people will notice the above list only totals 31. This is because I gave three chocolates away and did not want to explain why I wished to have the wrappers back. Regardless, this trend of 7 fewer chocolates per bag every year and a half is not one I endorse.

Also, observant readers will notice that “earlier this week” wasn’t that long ago and will surmise that I ate 31 chocolates in the space of at most 4 days. In reality, it was more like 2 days.

What can I say? I needed a lot of comfort this week, I guess.

8 Comments on “More Wisdom From Chocolate”

  1. Meags says:

    Mmmm. chocolate… see what you've started?!

  2. bd says:

    You know, I usually think I'm the most cynical person I know, but this is kinda hard to beat.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Chocolate…sometimes I can eat a bag in one day (should I have revealed that?). As far as what one wrapper told you to vs what you said… I have bought my own flowers and I do own a cat that gets into biting phases…..

  4. Anonymous says:

    It's funny how sometimes anonymous remarks just aren't very anonymous.

  5. MadMup says:

    Ahem Cat disapproves of anonymous comments.

    bd, how is any of this cynical? It's straight-talking, dawg!

  6. Lorelei says:

    You are a deeply complex creature……

  7. Anonymous says:

    another one is:
    while driving today, wink at someone

  8. Coach C says:

    I know I'm really late to this party, but… when I was in Germany last year, we were told not to smile at strangers for no reason. In their culture, it is understood to be a sign of a weak mind.

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