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Dove Chocolate is getting lazier. I’ve had some go-arounds with them before, but I just can’t help but feel they’re slacking now.  They appear to have gone all Web 2.0 on me, using the masses as their source of advice.  How does this seem like a good idea to anyone other than the guy whose task it is to come up with things to put on chocolate wrappers?

This bag of Dove Silky Smooth Milk Chocolate Promises had 34 pieces of chocolate, which is the same amount the last bag in April of 2007, so I guess that’s good.  There were only 8 different pieces of advice, which is both good and bad.  Bad because there’s not a lot of diversity there.  Good because I didn’t have to roll my eyes at more ridiculosity.

So here’s the list, complete with a number telling you how many times each appeared in the bag.

• (4x) Be the silver lining in another’s cloud. – Janet, Streetsboro, OH
  I think if clouds have a silver lining, the rain they’re producing is most likely toxic.
• (6x) Indulge in the moments that matter most. – Nicole, Williston, FL
  “Perhaps you could indulge in… oh, say, maybe some chocolate while you’re doing that?”  I see what you did there, Dove Chocolate.
• (3x) It’s OK to not do it all. – Dawn, Wildwood, MO
  Is it OK to not do any of it?
• (4x) Live every day up to your expectations, not others. – Reena, Brentwood, TN
  I expected someone named “Reena” to come up with more inspirational advice.
• (3x) Look for love in unexpected places. – Leanna, Columbus, OH
  I’d advise against looking on Craigslist, however.
• (6x) Love yourself. Dare to dream. Live on purpose! – Dana, Highland, IN
  Sneaky Dana!  She put in three pieces of sentimental mishmash when the form only asked for one!
• (2x) Say “I love you” every day to your loved ones. – Donna, Grand Junction, CO
  Okay, this one’s actually a good idea.  Fine.  You’re one for eight, Dove.
• (6x) When you give with joy, joy is your reward. – Ida, Landing, NJ
  It’s fun to replace “joy” with other words: “When you give with fire, fire is your reward.”  “When you give with rabbits, rabbits [are] your reward.”  “When you give with chicken pox, chicken pox is your reward.”

I wonder what a Venn diagram of “Hallmark Card Sayings” and “Dove Chocolate Advice” would look like.  Probably just a big circle.  Filled with saccharine. And puppies.

Dove Chocolate is at it again. It thinks it’s so smart, with all of the advice and “wisdom.” Here’s today’s big life-changing piece of guidance:

This is the most ridiculous piece of nonsense that ever was. First of all, people do this anyway. Why does Dove Chocolate think a person is eating a bag of Dove Chocolate, hmm? It’s like reminding people to open their eyes when they drive or put a coat on when it’s cold outside — actually, now that I’ve typed that out, I realize that teenagers do need to be told those things, so maybe this particular piece of chocolate-encasing advice was meant for a teenager. Hmm. If so, that’s still a ridiculous thing to tell a teenager to do! Yikes.

Secondly, following my instincts is what got me where I am today, for the most part. So… yeah.

I was immediately reminded of the episode of Seinfeld entitled “The Opposite.” George decides that since his instincts have gotten him where he is, from then on he’s going to do the opposite of his first instinct. Here’s the pivotal scene:

George: Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but … I was perceptive. I always know when someone’s uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I’ve ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every [aspect] of life, be it something to wear, something to eat – It’s all been wrong.

(A waitress comes up to George)

Waitress: Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.

George: Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing’s ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted … and a cup of tea.

Elaine: Well, there’s no telling what can happen from this.

* * * * *

Jerry: If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.

George: Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do something!

Dove Chocolate and George Costanza: two diametrically opposed fonts of knowledge for the ages.

And, yes, before anyone starts in on me, I’m well aware that neither Dove Chocolate nor Seinfeld episodes are anything a person should be basing their life on. Thank you for worrying.

A while back (1 year, 6 months, and 7 days ago) I wrote an entry entitled “Advice From Chocolate.” It was a scientific study of the sayings on the insides of the wrappers to Dove Dark Chocolate Promises. I went through a bag of the chocolates and kept careful track of what each saying was, what order I pulled each saying out, and how many of each saying there were. The short version for those with no desire to wade through the rather lengthy previous entry is that there were 41 chocolates in the bag and 19 different sayings represented.

Earlier this week I was in a mood for chocolate (hey, guys have comfort foods, too!), so I bought a bag. While I love dark chocolate, I’ve been on a milk chocolate kick lately, so I bought a bag of Dove Milk Chocolate Promises this time around. The first saying was very familiar, and my low-level OCD kicked in again. I didn’t keep track of the order this time, just the frequency of the sayings. I’ve listed them below with my thoughts, and have starred the ones that appeared in the previously tested bag of chocolates. The number in parenthesis is how many times the saying showed up in this bag.

1. Be fearless (2) – Forget bungie jumping – eat a bag of chocolate and don’t worry about your arteries!
2. Sing along with the elevator music (3) – Okay, but only if it’s “My Heart Will Go On,” because I don’t know the words to “The Girl from Ipanema.” Wait – did I just reveal I know the words to “My Heart Will Go On”? Carp. Disregard that.
3. *Remember your first everything (2) – I will never forget the first time I nearly bit my tongue off nor the first time I put a rusty nail through the side of my foot. This is my promise to you, Dove Chocolate!
4. Get your feet massaged (5) – Ewww. No. Nor will I have them bitten. Nor encased in ice. Just – no. Stay away from my feet.
5. *Go to your special place (3) – I suppose I could go to another Cowboys game this year…
6. Listen to your heartbeat and dance (3) – But… dancing would increase my heart rate, which would then increase my dancing rate, which… Dude! I just ate a bag of chocolate! Are you trying to kill me??
7. Buy yourself flowers (1) – Alternatively, poke yourself in the eye with a sharp stick. Or provoke a skunk. Or get a cat that bites you constantly. These are all about equal.
8. *Make your eyes twinkle (5) – If the Borg can do it, so can you.
9. *Send a love letter this week (1) – “Dear Winona, You’ve stolen my heart…”
10. *Smile. People will wonder what you’ve been up to. (2) – OH MY WORD CAN WE RETIRE THIS PHRASE FROM THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE ALREADY? ARGH!
11. Smile before bed. You’ll sleep better. (1) – It will also make the bedbugs wonder what you’ve been up to.
12. Sometimes one smile means more than a dozen roses (1) – And sometimes one restraining order means more than a dozen cans of pepper spray.
13. When two hearts race, both win (2) – Unless they’re racing to the finish. Then both lose.

Those keeping track will notice there were fewer sayings this time around (13 vs. 19), and fewer chocolates in this bag: 34 now vs. 41 a year and a half ago. Further, those same people will notice the above list only totals 31. This is because I gave three chocolates away and did not want to explain why I wished to have the wrappers back. Regardless, this trend of 7 fewer chocolates per bag every year and a half is not one I endorse.

Also, observant readers will notice that “earlier this week” wasn’t that long ago and will surmise that I ate 31 chocolates in the space of at most 4 days. In reality, it was more like 2 days.

What can I say? I needed a lot of comfort this week, I guess.