MadMup.com

Batman Begins hits DVD tomorrow here in the States. Now’s your chance to catch the best Batman movie made thus far if you missed it in theaters.

In this day and age, we are constantly told that huge corporations don’t care for us. To them, we are nothing but money-dispensing automatons, their only concern: how to get us to dispense more money faster. That’s what we’re told, anyway.

Me. I’m mostly fine with that. I’m an “unabashed capitalist,” so if a company is making something I want, I’m fine paying them money so I can have it. Sure, I think some things are too expensive, but my wants/needs aren’t the same as yours, so we’d probably have a hard time deciding between us what things ought to be cheaper. Letting the market decide seems to make the most sense. People aren’t buying your product? Mark it down until they are. Too many people buying it? Raise the price. It seems to work, for the most part. (For reference: please watch The Hudsucker Proxy. You should anyway, but there’s a section in it about this exact thing. As a bonus, it mocks Big Business at the same time.)

Anyway, since I’ve had this point of view crammed down my throat for as long as I can remember, imagine my surprise when I received a package from Microsoft the other day.

Some history:

Back in February, Microsoft sent out a notice to anyone who owned an Xbox. “Please check the manufacturing date on your Xbox! If it was made between [some date] and [some other date], it could have bad wires and yadda yadda yadda, you could burn up and die. If you have one, tell us and we’ll send you a replacement power cord for free.”

So I, being the responsible, quick-acting person that I am, put the letter in a pile on my desk.

A while later, I got another letter with the same warning: “Seriously! We mean it! You could even spontaneously combust your own self! We’re not kidding around! Go check the dates! Have we mentioned that the replacement power cord is free?!?”

Into the pile it went.

It’s not that I’m not concerned about my personal safety, because I totally am. I’m extremely nervous about doing even semi-dangerous things. I’m aware of the philosophy that says “You take a chance getting up in the morning, or crossing a street, or sticking your face in a fan,” but I just don’t want to push it by, say, driving 80 m.p.h. while bungee-jumping from a motorcycle and drinking Mountain Dew. That’s just not me. I call it “being safe.” You call it “being boring.”

So I really have no reason why I didn’t check the dates on my Xbox. I just didn’t do it. Laziness, most likely.

Then I received this package from Microsoft. They sent me a replacement power cord and a letter that said, “We hadn’t heard from you and our records show that your Xbox was made between [some date] and [some other date], so we thought we’d send one out to you so you don’t burn up and die. We’re worried about who might feed your cats if that happened.”

They had gone through all of the trouble of sending me a replacement cord, so I figured the least I could do is use it. Turns out that was a good idea – the minute I removed the old cord and tossed it aside it burst into flame, writhing around, hissing my name as its dying epithet.

While I realize that Microsoft’s main motivation was to not get sued, I still thought that was pretty cool of them to send me a replacement. Thanks, Bill!

…though I’m curious how you got my new address, because I don’t remember filling anything out.

Just because my brain works like this, when the piece of Dove dark chocolate tried to get me fired last month, I was struck with curiosity about the other phrases they might have and how frequently they might be used in a bag.

So, of course, I kept track of the next bag.

The following list is from a bag of Dove Dark Chocolate Promises. When you take the red wrapper off a piece of chocolate, there is a phrase printed inside. This is a list of the phrases used in the bag in question, in the order the pieces were eaten.

1. Whisper in the dark
2. Test your own limits and keep going
3. Make your eyes twinkle
4. Remember your first everything
5. Send a love letter this week
6. Be mischievous. It feels good.
7. Make your eyes twinkle
8. Go to your special place
9. Do what feels right
10. If they can do it, you know you can
11. Be mischievous. It feels good.
12. You know what? You look good in red.
13. Find your passion.
14. Smile. People will wonder what you’ve been up to.
15. Do what feels right
16. Smile. People will wonder what you’ve been up to.
17. Discover yourself
18. Naughty can be nice
19. There’s no excuse not to dream
20. Go to your special place
21. Discover yourself
22. Smile. People will wonder what you’ve been up to.
23. If they can do it, you know you can
24. If they can do it, you know you can
25. Do what feels right
26. Make your eyes twinkle
27. There’s no excuse not to dream
28. Go to your special place
29. If they can do it, you know you can
30. Naughty can be nice
31. Smile. People will wonder what you’ve been up to.
32. Learn something from everyone you meet
33. Write a real letter, not just an email
34. Be mischievous. It feels good.
35. Do what feels right
36. If they can do it, you know you can
37. Dare to love completely
38. Hey, why not?
39. Go to your special place
40. Remember your first everything
41. Wink at someone driving past today

So now let’s break it down a bit.

• 3x -“Be mischievous. It feels good.” Until, of course, you get called out for acting like an idiot at work. “Johnson, why did you dissolve a neon pink highlighter in the coffee this morning?” “I was being mischievous!” “Johnson, not only am I going to fire you, I’m going to hit you with this brick.”
• 1x -“Dare to love completely” I’ve tried this tactic with my cat Nutmeg and all it ever does is get me bitten. Word to the wise.
• 2x – “Discover yourself” And when you do, be sure to plant a flag on yourself.
• 4x – “Do what feels right” Unless, of course, what feels right is to carve your initials on people you meet with your pocket knife. Don’t do that.
• 1x -“Find your passion.” It’s usually in the last place you look.
• 4x -“Go to your special place” Best Buy is open from 10 a.m. to 10 p.m. most weekdays.
• 1x -“Hey, why not?” Or, conversely, why?
• 5x -“If they can do it, you know you can” This one is obviously their main message, as it was used in this bag more than any other phrase. Problem is, it’s baloney (or, if you prefer, “bologna”). Lance Armstrong can win the Tour de France seven times and date Sheryl Crow. Think you can do that? That’s what I thought. Thanks, Dove chocolate. Thanks for giving me unrealistic dreams and hopes. Jerk.
• 1x – “Learn something from everyone you meet” This one’s actually not a bad idea. it’s particularly good if you are in the habit of meeting ninja masters and stockbrokers.
• 3x – “Make your eyes twinkle” I suggest gilding them.
• 2x – “Naughty can be nice” Tell that to Santa, then enjoy your lump of coal.
• 2x – “Remember your first everything” Like that time you followed the advice given to you by a bag of chocolate and got fired, arrested, and giftless.
• 1x – “Send a love letter this week” “Dear Nutmeg, please stop biting me.”
• 4x – “Smile. People will wonder what you’ve been up to.” Is anyone else as sick of this saying as I am?
• 1x – “Test your own limits and keep going” Earlier this evening the episode of Seinfeld aired where Kramer and the car salesman take a test drive and see how far they can go. It’s nice when chocolate and Seinfeld agree on something.
• 2x – “There’s no excuse not to dream” Unless, of course, you’re on some sort of medication.
• 1x – “Whisper in the dark” Creeeeeeepy.
• 1x – “Wink at someone driving past today” Because they’re sure to see you do it at 65 m.p.h
• 1x – “Write a real letter, not just an email” This one’s also not a bad idea. One well-placed EMP blast and all your email is gone. A hand-written letter will totally survive an EMP blast, though not the fires that might follow.
• 1x – “You know what? You look good in red.” You know what? Chocolate doesn’t know anything about what makes people look good. If chocolate were to say “I will make you fat” or “I will bring you temporary happiness,” then maybe I’ll believe it. I’m pretty sure this is meant as an inside joke referring to the fact that the chocolate itself is wrapped in red, but I don’t need chocolate taking up my valuable time doing self-affirmations. Increase your self-esteem on your own time, chocolate! Regardless, I’ll probably wear my red shirt tomorrow, just in case.

In case you worry about me keeping track of a bag of chocolate, let me assure you: you have every right to worry. There isn’t a bag of M&M’s or Skittles I open that I don’t want to separate into piles by color, and my cereal boxes are generally organized by height. If there’s a minor I can major on, I’ll do it.

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EDIT: There is now a sequel to this post.