Eye Yi Yi
I havenâ€™t been to a dentist in years for no good reason other than I just never think to go. I havenâ€™t been to a physician in years because I donâ€™t want to hear him tell me Iâ€™m out of shape and need to eat right and exercise. And, up a week ago, I hadnâ€™t been to an optometrist in 5+ years because I hate getting air blown into my eyes.
Nobodyâ€™s afraid of the eye doctor, as a general rule. Iâ€™m technically not myself, but I do have specific anxieties attached to getting my eyes checked (just like I have specific anxieties attached to most things in my life, really). I know they say the air-in-the-eyes thing is a test for glaucoma, but I think theyâ€™re having us on. I think they got together and decided that they could do pretty much whatever they wanted to us in the name of â€œDoctoring,â€ and thatâ€™s what they decided to try. Whoever it was that allowed them to do that to him the first time ought to be noted in the history books somewhere so we can revile and curse them.
The other thing I worry about is the Flippy Lenses Test. You know that old joke about worrying you were going to fail your hearing test because you hadnâ€™t studied? Itâ€™s actually kind of like that. I can never tell enough difference between the two choices to feel confident about my decision. Reading letters off a chart isnâ€™t a very good approximation of real-world reading situations, I donâ€™t think.
Furthermore, when someoneâ€™s having the laser surgery done on their eyes, donâ€™t they take measurements with a computer to know how they need to make the laser adjustments? Why canâ€™t they just take computer readings of my eyes and tell me what prescription I need? Why do I need to take tests at all?
Turns out Mr. Smarty Doctor was all set with answers to these questions:
- Puff of air: â€œWe can tell things with that test that we canâ€™t easily determine from other tests.â€ Mm-hmm. Like, for instance, just how much people will let you get away with.
- Flippy Lenses Test: â€œWe double-check without you knowing to make sure youâ€™re consistent in your choices. Weâ€™ll go back and try a lens from before.â€ I guess that makes sense, but why tell me that before I take the Flippy Lens Test? Now I know the secret and Iâ€™ll mess everything up.
- Computer measuring: â€œComputer measuring canâ€™t take into account the little variances and the â€˜feelâ€™ that person is after. Also, youâ€™d be surprised to know how much of the laser surgery is based on the Flippy Lens Test.â€ Actually, yeah, I was. I thought that was pretty interesting, but it means Iâ€™ll never be able to go get the laser surgery done now. I mean, can you even imagine the anxiety of having that be dependent on my choices?
Before my exam I had looked over the available frames and had narrowed my choice down to two. They were pretty much two different versions of the same style and, really, the style was a big part of my decision to finally go to the eye doctor. Iâ€™ve had the wire-frames for five years or so and it was time for a change. Iâ€™d always liked Lisa Loebâ€™s glasses on her, and Iâ€™ve seen those more and more frequently in the past couple of years on people, and I thought I might like to try them on me. More recent examples and recent exhortations for me to try them on me pushed me to do so.
This, of course, leads to my third anxiety about going to the eye doctor: I canâ€™t tell how glasses look on me because I have to take my glasses off to try the non-prescription demo models onâ€¦ which means I canâ€™t see myself. This means I have to rely on the opinions of others (who, I should mention, Iâ€™m more willing to trust on matters of my appearance than I am to trust myself). The only â€œothersâ€ around at this point are the people who work at the doctorâ€™s office. One of the ladies said sheâ€™d help me out and looked at the two Iâ€™d chosen. She gave a definite â€œThose!â€ to one pair, so those were the ones I got. I was a little suspicious because they were the more expensive of the two and she does, after all, work for the office, but I decided that fake or not, her enthusiasm for these particular frames was inspiring. Done & done.
â€œThey should be done in about a week.â€ Say what? Iâ€™m not used to having to wait for glasses. Iâ€™d gone to a â€œweâ€™ll have them done in an hourâ€ place before, so thatâ€™s what I was used to (which translates in Markspeak to â€œcomfortable withâ€). Ah, well. Not much I can do about it, I guess.
A measly four days later, I got the call that they were in. Not a bad wait, really. I went in to pick them up and the same lady fitted them on me to make sure they were okay. She did a couple of â€œOh, yeah, those are goooodâ€s, but I was still distrustful. Do I need to tip for compliments, you think?
A couple of friends have seen them now and ruled them â€œhipâ€ and â€œappearance changing.â€ The changing Iâ€™ve noticed is that they are forming new dents in my head above my ears, a painful process that I hope is over soon. I also hope that the old dents go away, as it canâ€™t be good to have more dents in your head than you need, can it? Iâ€™m still noticing the frames while theyâ€™re on me, but Iâ€™m glad Iâ€™ve had the weekend to get used to them rather than trying to do that at work tomorrow.
So what do they look like? See for yourself. Try not to be distracted by the huge forehead in the picture, a feature apparently enhanced by the haircut I got the same day I got the glasses.