December 13th, 2005

Gonna Need An Ocean

It is apparent to me that, the older I get, the more of a lizard I’m becoming.

The last few years, once winter hits, my skin dries out. Though it’s not happened yet this winter, I’ve had it where my hands are so dry that they bleed a little. The skin on my back must also get fairly dry, because it gets itchy. And when I say “itchy” here, I mean “feels like if I stretch it too much, the skin could split right open and, BAM, there’d be my spine on display.”

So, of course, I need to put lotion on my hands. Lotion! I object to lotion on the following grounds:

1) Girlie smells.
2) Slimy hands.

It’s a small list, but an important one.

They don’t make moisturizing lotion that smells “manly.” It’s all lavender and cucumber and fruity, and even the standard stuff that isn’t flavored has a definite lotion-y smell to it. While I might really like the smell of vanilla, there’s a difference between liking the smell and smelling of it. I’m not a he-man, lumberjack, motorcycle-riding sort of a man already, and adding “vanilla-scented” to the list of what I am is probably just pushing it.

I also hate, hate, HATE the way my hands feel after lotion is applied. Ever see that episode of Seinfeld where Kramer has just applied hand lotion and then has trouble opening a door? That’s how I feel, even if that doesn’t really happen. It’s kind of the same way I feel after trying to wash my hands with soft water – it feels like there’s a layer of soap still on me. Ewww.

In the end, though, having lotion-scented hands beats out having scaly, bleeding hands. People are slightly less likely to recoil in horror at the lotion-scentedness. Of course, once I regrow a limb and scale the walls looking for insects, they’re back to recoiling, but what can you do?

9 Comments on “Gonna Need An Ocean”

  1. the obscure says:

    Vaseline Intensive Care. Doesn't smell much at all, minimum of greasiness. Also, it is where the healing begins!

  2. Brandyoldfashion says:

    I have a solution!
    (not that you'll follow it)
    Put a gob of hand lotion on before you go to bed at night. I have even heard that you can put a pair of mittens or thin gloves on over the lotion so as not to goop up your bed. Then, you take a shower in the morning and WALAA the lotion is washed off and yet, more amazingly, your hands are remarkably soft!

  3. Kim says:

    About the gloves – They have manicure gloves that you can wear to make your hands soft. But I would only use them at home. :)
    Also, I have regular lotion, and lotion that smells like my perfume. Maybe they make cologne lotion?

  4. bd says:

    Solution + million dollar idea:
    Patent the idea and market a brand of hand lotion that smells like leather and woodchips and car grease and other manly stinks. Your masculinity will go up +10 just for making your hands soft. It's a paradox, man!

    As for slimy hands, just, ya know, only use a little and rub them off on a towel when you're done.

  5. Brian Arnold says:

    You're going to laugh, but I'm being serious.

    There's a lotion made by Clinique, if I'm remembering the brand name right, that's specifically for men. It's a very neutral odor – almost none at all, really – and it's very light and thin. It does the job of moisturizing, without leaving your hands feeling all slimy and such, and doesn't smell effeminate. It basically makes the short list irrelevant. =)

  6. HorizonPurple says:

    You S.N.A.G Brian!

    I would suggest lanolin, which means you smell of sheep rather than flowers.

    Hey, at least you can pretend you have a sheep!

  7. JClark says:

    Vaseline? Maybe it's just me, but vaseline has just about the grossest texture and smell (not a strong snell though) on Earth. Just, ew.

    I've often thought that someone out there could make a fortune making these kinds of products for men that work like those made for women but are dressed up in such a way that men wouldn't feel funny using them. Like hand lotions with manly scents as bd mentioned. Of course, they would also have to go into a different isle in the store. Maybe auto repair, or electronics.

  8. MadMup says:

    So many suggestions! The Internets truly are a source of great information!

  9. HorizonPurple says:

    Soooo, when do I get to see you scale a wall?

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