Yesterday it so happened that I was listening to “Turtle Power” by Partners in Kryme. If you’ve seen Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (the movie), it’s the song that plays over the ending credits. If you haven’t seen Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (the movie), please go do so.
Your first question might be “Why were you listening to that song?” It turns out that I have an affinity for rap songs that re-tell the story of the movie they’re associated with. I’m not sure why, but I think they’re fun. In fact, it’s possible that “Nod Ya Head (Black Suits Comin’)” by Will Smith (and featuring TRA-Knox) is actually better than the movie to which it was attached (Men in Black II). When it says “There’s this chick, right? Serlena./Earth is worthless to her/She be trippin’ like/Threatenin’ me and my mens tryin’ to get The Light,” you’ve pretty much seen the whole movie. It can be a real time saver.
So I was listening to “Turtle Power.” In typical fashion, it lays out the events of the movie with a chorus that suggests that anyone who does heroic deeds possesses this “turtle power.” Tonto and the Lone Ranger even get mentioned at one point. There’s this one point in the song that irks me, though. Greatly.
Leonardo, Michaelangelo, Donatello
Make up the team with one other fellow –
Raphael. He’s the leader of the troupe
Transformed from the norm by the nuclear goop.
It’s super-catchy, but it’s just plain wrong! Here’s the breakdown on your Ninja Turtles:
Michaelangelo: wears orange, uses nunchaku. He’s the party guy, always goofing around – more so than the other Turtles, anyway.
Donatello: wears purple, fights with a bo staff, just like Napoleon Dynamite. He’s the smart one, always fixing stuff, whether mechanical or electrical. He was always my favorite, partly because he was the geeky one and partly because I thought it was so cool a person(?) could do so much damage with a stick.
Raphael: wears red, uses sai, which are kinda like knives, but look like the heads of tridents. He’s the hot head of the group. If a temper is found lying around somewhere, it’s probably the one Raphael lost.
Leonardo: wears blue, fights with katana, which are your basic ninja swords. He’s your serious guy, your leader, your teacher’s pet. He’s all about doing what Splinter would want them to do.
Splinter: wears a robe, fights with his walking cane if he has to. He’s a rat, but he’s a teacher rat. He’s the one that taught the Turtles all the ninjitsu.
There’s also April O’Neil (the hottie reporter that hangs out with the Turtles) and Casey Jones (a Turtle ally who uses sports equipment to thrash baddies) and Shredder (the big bad bad guy), but they’re not really important to my point, which is this:
If you’re going to do a rap song that sums up the movie, get your facts straight. Leonardo is your guy if you want to talk about the “leader of the troupe.” You might think it was Splinter, but he rarely goes into battle with them. He’s more of a teacher.
I await other movie raps from Partners in Kryme where we’ll hear that Doc Ock is a pediatrician and that Batman’s a really nice guy, once you get to know him.