MadMup.com

I went out to get my laundry at 11:30 and I heard an odd but familiar noise. Once my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I saw one of my neighbors raking his lawn. At 11:30 at night. I actually did a double-take. He wasn’t doing it furtively or trying to be quiet about it – he was just raking his lawn like it was the most natural thing to be doing at that time of night. I mean, this January has been unseasonably warm, but that’s just weird.

It got me to thinking about what makes things weird. Take an everyday activity but change one aspect of it and it suddenly gets weird or creepy. Like wearing a raincoat and galoshes…on a bright sunny day. Dressing like a vampire…on July 4th. Eating cereal…for supper. (Okay, that last one’s not weird. Jerry Seinfeld has proved what we all knew to be true: cereal is good for any and every meal.) Some of the creepiest movies I’ve ever seen are movies where the characters are in a perfectly normal scene…but something is just a little off. The trees are regular trees, but the branches all point one way. The TV is tuned to a familiar program, but the screen is slightly trapezoidal. A long closeup on a person unnerves you and you can’t place why, until you notice they haven’t blinked for two minutes.

Certain things were meant to be done a certain times. It’s part of our heritage as Americans. Mess around with conventionality and you’ll get a few raised eyebrows and maybe more.

I don’t mind you being different, really. Just don’t be creepy, okay? Rake your lawn during the regularly-scheduled lawn-raking hours.

Happy New Year to you, dear reader.

My friend Dave used to send ’round an e-mail at this time each year detailing his New Year’s Resolutions. There were usually around 10 of them, and they were generally a hoot. Unfortunately, he and his family are preparing to move to Ohio from Wisconsin this weekend, so I doubt we’ll be seeing that list any time soon.

The cliché about NYR(esolutions) is that no one keeps them. I’m no different. Dave certainly doesn’t keep his – but who could, really? They’re generally of the fantastic persuasion, hardly achievable by mortal man. The people who need to keep a NYR are the people least likely to keep them. Conversely, those least in need of making a sweeping change for their betterment are the ones most able to keep them. Therein lies the dilemma: how to switch from one type to the other?

“Set easy-to-achieve goals” is one bit of advice you hear a lot. See, Dave ought to set as one of his NYRs that he is “going to move to Ohio” according to that bit of advice.

“Have a partner help you throughout the year” is another. But what if your partner is lousy at keeping them, too? In fact, chances are good that they are. And if they are good at it, their constant hounding of you will drive you crazy and could ultimately cause a rift in that partnership.

“Set weekly goals rather than year-long ones.” Like, I will watch 4 episodes of Seinfeld this week. I will attempt to feed the cats on a daily basis this week. I will not go out in public without clothing this week.

“Set measurable goals, not indistinct ones.” From the previous paragraph: “attempt to feed the cats” is not specific enough. “Marking off a checklist when I’ve thought about feeding the cats” is better because you can look back on the week and see how many times you almost fed the cats. (Of course I’m being ridiculous – no cat in the world will let you go longer than 4 hours without feeding them.)

So there’s conventional wisdom. Unconventional wisdom used to say “set goals that are the opposite of the goals you really want – that way when you fail, you’ll actually be successful!” It used to be unconventional wisdom, but we’ve heard it so many times from TV, comics, movies, etc. that it’s passed into the mundane and can no longer be considered “out there.”

My advice to you? Look back on the year you just lived through. What did you like? Do more of that. What did you hate? Do less of that. Be helpful to others – at the very least, don’t be a hindrance to them. Respect others. Try to leave the house at least once a day for other than work-related issues. Obey the rules in a given situation. Limit your intake of harmful things to one a week. Let those you love know you love them. Plan for your future. Don’t forget the past – it made you what you are today and can guide you to your future. Eat your favorite meal at least once a month. Try new things. Recognize that each day could be your last.

Peace.

Here’s a topic you won’t see addressed here much: sports. Ready?

I have been a Dallas Cowboys fan for as long as I can remember. I think it had a little to do with their color scheme, a little to do with the fact that one of my pastor’s sons liked them, and a little to do with the fact that the Packers weren’t very good when I was a kid growing up in Wisconsin. Let’s face it, I didn’t know much about football when I was in first grade. Let’s face a little bit more: I didn’t know much about anything in first grade. Truth is, I never learned that much about football, even into high school when I played football. I remember being on the sidelines during one game (I spent a lot of time on the sidelines) when everyone on our side got really upset all at the same time. I missed what happened, so I asked, “What happened?” One of our coaches, Mr. Flaming (pronounced like “flamming”), yelled back at me, “If you’d quit playing video games and study football, maybe you’d know!” Point taken, but I still never figured out what happened.

Ironically, it was that same game where I caught the one and only pass that was thrown to me the whole season. Yes, I was 100% my high school career. Thank you, thank you. Problem was, I had never caught a pass in a game before, so I wasn’t really sure what to do after I caught it. Luckily, the other team knew what to do, and I was tackled shortly thereafter.

Also ironically – and I think even more so – is that later on, when I really did start to understand the ins and outs of football, it was because I started playing some football video games. I’ve always wanted to tell Mr. Flaming that.

Anyway, back to the Cowboys. I’ve been a fan ever since I can remember, which is right around first grade. They’ve been really good and they’ve been really bad since then. Right now they’re on the “really bad” side of things. Since Tom Landry coached them for 25 years, they’ve had, like, 4 coaches. Jimmy Johnson took them to a few Super Bowls that they won rather handily, and since him, they’ve done diddley. One of the regrets of my life is that I never got to see Troy Aikman, Michael Irvin, and Emmitt Smith play a game in Texas Stadium. Of course, I’ve never been to Texas, much less Texas Stadium, but I still regret it.

See, those three were called “The Triplets.” Real original name, eh? Troy was a dead-on quarterback, Michael was an incredible receiver (if an arrogant loudmouth), and Emmitt was the best running back in the league (and a nice guy, to boot). These are the three core guys that took the team to 3 Super Bowls in the early 90’s.

Well, one by one they fell. Michael was the first to go, with a career-ending back injury that could have killed him. Troy ended up getting so many concussions (13 or so) that it became unsafe for him to play. And Emmitt? Well, he’s slowed down a bit, but last year he broke Walter Payton’s all-time rushing yardage record. Pretty cool!

So you might expect that he’d get a big pay raise and a hearty slap on the back, right?

Um, no.

He was cut from the Cowboys. Cut! “Not worth the money,” they said. !!! Emmitt played for the Cowboys his whole career. Every yard of that record was earned as a Cowboy. I think maybe, just maybe, he earned the right to stay on the team the rest of his career, however long he decided that would be.

But Jerry Jones wanted to win, and he felt Emmitt was too old to bank on anymore, so Emmitt was cut. And Emmitt was subsequently hired by the Arizona Cardinals.

Mixed feelings I have. Emmitt really wanted to keep playing. And he proved in last year’s Thanksgiving game that he still had what it took (He had one of the best games of his career). Part of me says, “Go get ’em, Emmitt!” But the other part of me says, “Man, I really hate seeing him in a Cards uniform.” And there’s even a part of me that says, “Hey, you broke the record! You don’t need to play anymore!”

See, Jerry Seinfeld said it best when he said “you’re rooting for laundry.” A guy’s on your team, you love him. He gets traded to a different team, you hate him. I guy you hate comes to your team, you love him. You’re rooting for laundry! But not with Emmitt. He’s always impressed me a lot, as a player and as a guy, so I plan to keep following his career. If that means I have to check the Arizona Cardinal’s page, too, then so be it, I guess.

Play safe, Emmitt!

And Cowboys? Please get better. Please?