MadMup.com

I like to see things being built. It’s fascinating to me to see how all the parts fit together to make a whole. I’ve been in the local Subaru plant and I saw the Corvette plant in Kentucky, and the whole process of fitting things together that were designed to fit together makes me happy.

(Side note: I think this is why I thought Voltron was so cool back in the day – all those giant lion-robots fitting together to make one huge robot?!? Awesome! Of course, I’ve since realized Voltron is anime and therefore awful, but at the time I was distracted by the shiny fitting-together robotitude of it all.)

(Further side note: This is also why I like to put together the “build it yourself” furniture like desks and bookcases that come in a flat box. It’s designed to go together and when it does, it activates the “Yay!” center in my brain. (That’s not the scientific name, but my Latin’s a little rusty.))

I particularly like to watch buildings go up – not the day to day business, that’s kind of boring. But driving by a building project every so often and seeing the progress or getting to tour a building before it’s completely done? I love that. It amazes me to think how much time, effort, and money goes into those projects. I’m a little envious of architects and engineers, even though I’d never be able to do either job. Their jobs are like watch-making on a grander scale – all the pieces have to fit together exactly right, or there’ll be trouble.

There are a few big building projects going on around town right now – a couple of new hospitals, talk of one or two more Starbucks (bringing our total to somewhere around… 500, I think), and even a new community center our church is building. The ground is barely broken on one hospital, the other is at the “skeletal beams in place” stage, and the community center is mostly closed in and just needs the internal stuff done.

Corporations like McDonald’s and Starbucks seem to be able to put up a new building in no time at all. One minute there’s a “Coming Soon!” sign and the next minute you’re getting your hazelnut steamer or Filet o’ Fish.

Different types of buildings in different areas are designed to withstand or accommodate specific circumstances. Skyscrapers are built to allow for being swayed by the wind. Homes along the coasts are designed to better weather hurricanes. Homes in the Midwest have basements because of tornadoes. Even igloos take the environment into account.

But no matter how much planning goes into a building, there’s one eventuality that can’t be protected against:

Superheroes.

I think we can all agree that we’re thankful for superheroes. If a guy like Juggernaut or Galactus comes to town, you want a Spider-Man or a Wolverine or a Fantastic Four around to take care of it. I mean, what are you gonna do about a guy bullets bounce off or who can shoot electricity at you? Not much. Hide, probably.

People see these things coming and they can get out of the way. It’s the buildings that take the brunt of it. Villains are constantly blowing buildings up, and when they aren’t, they’re barreling into them in some sort of destructive vehicle, or, worse, just throwing superheroes through them. No one said being a superhero would be easy, so you expect this sort of thing to happen. The creators of the “Death of Superman” storyline were inspired to come up with the character Doomsday by the image of Metropolis with a wide swath of destruction through the middle of it. A dude who can kill Superman can also take down pretty much any building around, I guess.

But the heroes are just as bad as the villains in the property damage department. In the process of saving lives and protecting Earth, there’s bound to be some incidental harm.

In Superman Returns, there’s a plane headed for certain disaster until Superman shows up (or, if you will, returns) to take care of it. In the process of trying to bring it under control, he rips a wing of the plane off. Sure, the plane’s a lost cause at this point, so it’s not such a big deal that it’s losing a wing, but when Superman lets go of that wing to grab the fuselage of the plane, where does that wing go? What does it land on? Superman finally gets control of the plane and is able to set it safely down in a baseball stadium – again, no one’s faulting him for messing up the infield with the plane, but when it’s down and the people are out, he flies off. Does he come back later to remove the plane from the field? How do they get the plane out of there?

In Batman Begins, Batman’s in the process of rescuing Rachel, who is fast succumbing to the Scarecrow’s poison. He’s driving his big old tank of a Batmobile, and that’s garnered him some attention from the police force. They’ve got him cornered at the top of a parking garage, pretty much leaving Batman with one option: bust through the wall and start driving on rooftops. Structural questions aside (can a roof really support a car that big?), the Batmobile is tearing up tiles, knocking things over, and generally making a mess of things. Further along in the chase, police cars are flipping over and crashing. But in the end, he rescues Rachel and saves her life, so all the damage is worth it, right? We never see it, but I suspect Batman, as Bruce Wayne, donates money from the millions he has to various funds that work to repair the damage he’s done as Batman. If he doesn’t, he ought to.

Pretty much every superhero I can think of does damage to structures in the area. Spider-Man, Hulk, The Tick… the list goes on. I think an awareness committee needs to be formed. After all, just because you can drop a building on someone’s head doesn’t mean you should.

Last night was a big night: I watched my first movie of the year.

Sure, that might not seem like a big deal to you, but last year I watched 371 movies, an average of 31 a month. I decided to try going a month without watching any movies, you know, just to see. It went fine. I watched a bit more TV and read a bit more and.. other stuff, I guess.

But yesterday was a new month, so I thought I’d watch a movie. Since it was so momentous, it couldn’t be just any movie, it had to be an awesome movie.

It had to be Batman.

It also kind of felt like this was the sort of event that needed to be shared with people. I put forth the idea of having some people over and was encouraged to do so. An announcement was made, plans were put in motion, snacks were purchased, the whole deal. And, wonder of wonders, seven people from the Career Class at church showed up.

I like to think that many of you who read the site here like to do so because my foibles and quirks make you feel better about your own, either by making yours feel less severe in comparison or make you feel less alone in your similar ones. To that end, I feel I should confess the following:

I talk during movies.

Constantly. Non-stop. And the thing is, I hate that I do it! It’s always the stupidest stuff! Here are the gems I subjected them to last night:

• The guy playing Gordon and the guy playing Alfred are the only two actors in all four of the Batman movies.
• She was married to Mick Jagger.
• Hey, Wendy, does his tie go with that shirt?
• How old were you all in 1989? (The most surprising answer: “Five.” Seriously!)
• Best. Batmobile. Ever.
• That right there is when a million boys fell in love with Vicki Vale. (When she showed up onscreen.)
• Here’s what was wrong with the sequel, Batman Returns: 1) Batman TWO should have been about Two-Face! Hello! 2) Too many villians, too much going on. 3) More origins were messed with.
• He had that light installed in the Batmobile just in case someone was going to be sitting in the passenger’s seat and he needed to blind them.
• Watch his utility belt when he looks up at the helicopter – see it move? Why didn’t they reshoot that?
• I hate this part because it messes up the whole origin of Batman! The Joker DID NOT kill Bruce Wayne’s parents!!!
• This movie is just to get you in the mood for Prince in the Super Bowl halftime show.
• Batman wouldn’t have killed The Joker – it’s what he does! He spares villians! He makes it a point not to kill villians!
• Iconic hero shot coming right up! Wait for it… there!

See? See what I mean about it being inane? And this is just a small sampling.

I need some sort of help.

A big thanks to Matt, Marshall, Wendy, Melissa, Lee, Jeannie, and Eric for coming to my inaugural movie night and for not killing me.

Snakes on a Plane came out on DVD today, but I didn’t buy it. There are lots of reasons not to – it’s violent, it’s foul, it’s gory, it probably won’t hold up to repeat viewings, yadda yadda yadda – but there was only one real reason I didn’t buy it:

I didn’t have to.

The fellow over at Snakes on a Blog put up a post saying New Line had given him ten copies of the DVD to give away to his readers, so he had people submit an “If I were on the flight…” story of 500 words or less, with the top ten stories winning a copy. I was “Winner #3,” a place I was more than comfortable with. There were about 40 entries submitted, so I had a 1 in 4 chance at winning. Pretty good odds, so not really an entry for the “Big Win!” column. Still, winning stuff’s always fun and I haven’t done much of that in my life.

Anyway, here’s my entry. You don’t have to have seen Snakes on a Plane to “get” it, but there is another movie you will have needed to see. And if you haven’t seen that movie, you need to get crackin’, as it’s a classic.

I am tired – bone-tired. This trip hadn’t gone like I’d planned and my future wasn’t looking so bright. This time yesterday I was looking forward to going home, but after the voicemail I got last night… well, now I’m not so sure what I’ll find there. If my key still works in the lock I’ll take it as a good sign.

I stow my carry-on bag in the overhead compartment and sit down. I don’t like aisle seats, I like windows seats even less, and just thinking about the idea of sitting in-between two other people makes me claustrophobic. The fellow in the brown leather jacket by the window is already asleep, by the look of his fedora pulled low over his face. I’m jealous, as I know I’ll never be able to get to sleep, even as tired as I am. After all this time, I am still hyper-aware of every noise and movement, sure that every one signals the plane’s doom, and there’s no way to shut my brain off and fall asleep. It’s days like today that I seriously consider taking up drinking.

I’m halfway done with my crossword puzzle when there’s some sort of commotion up by the bathroom. We’ve been in the air for a while, so I figure it’s just someone feeling cooped up and needing to vent a little. Then I notice the lady on the other side of the plane slumped over in a weird-enough way to suggest she isn’t sleeping. I’m about to call for a flight attendant, when the lights go out. I’ve got an LED flashlight in my bag, so I stand up to get it.

When I open the overhead compartment, something falls on my shoulder. I figure it’s a strap to someone’s bag, so I pick it up to put it back in the compartment. It’s right about the time the end of the strap is on eye level that I realize it’s no strap. Staring me in the face is a green mamba, today’s answer to 32 Down. I’m surprised enough to be seeing a snake on a plane that when it hisses and strikes, I barely have time to dodge and it’s not enough. I feel the fangs sink into my ear. And then again into my cheek. And then my neck.

I fall into my seat, stunned that this is happening and no one seems to notice. I can’t speak, and I’m flailing my arms around like an amateur semaphorist, and in the process I smack my sleeping seatmate fairly soundly. He comes to with a “Hey, buddy…,” sees the snake attached to my neck and scrambles to flatten himself against the window.

“Why snakes? Why did it have to be snakes? Anything else,” he says.

He reaches under his jacket to get something, and I have just enough time to wonder how he got that bullwhip through security before everything goes black.