MadMup.com

I looked out this morning and the sun was gone
Turned on some music to start my day
I lost myself in a familiar song
I closed my eyes and I slipped away

-”More Than A Feeling” by Boston

I’m getting married in 16 days, and there’s a lot of hustle and bustle in preparation for it – emails, phone calls, meetings with photographers, decisions about program order,  flavor of cake (hoping for lemon!), playlist for the reception… and on and on it goes.  It seems like there isn’t much time to sit back and enjoy the fact that, hey, I’m getting married!

Amidst all of that, we are slowly moving stuff from Megan’s apartment over to the house, box by box.  We’ll have one major moving day the week of the wedding and get all the rest of it, and she’ll stay with friends for a day or two here and then will stay at her dad’s for the days right before the wedding.

It struck me this morning as I was getting ready that my life is about to change.  Sure, that seems like something a person would have realized a lot sooner, and I had – you know, in that deep, meaningful, life-altering I’m-going-to-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with-this-person way.  But this morning I was struck with something seemingly insignificant, that kind of turned into this whole big deal in my head.

My morning ritual is to wake up to the radio (tuned to Jeff 92, since they don’t have commercials there’s a better chance that I’ll actually wake up to music), then turn that off and turn on my Zune as I shower and get ready.  I’ve got 468 hand-picked songs on my Zune, and I set it to play randomly, so I’m listening to stuff I like, but there’s enough of a mix to keep things interesting.  Here was this morning’s songlist, for example:

• “Warning Sign” – Coldplay
• “Better” – Regina Spektor
• “Fix You” – Coldplay
• “Wise Up” – Aimee Mann
• “New Slang” – The Shins
• “That Thing You Do” – The Wonders
• “Sweetest Thing” – U2
• “Stars” – Hum
• “Angel” – Sarah MacLachlan

The Zune goes from “1234″ to “Ziggy Stardust” and it’s not uncommon for me to go from a song by the Newsboys or TobyMac to one by KISS or Boston.  Today’s playlist was Coldplay-heavy, but tomorrow’s looks to have The Beatles, Weezer, and Britney Spears.

So, anyway, the thought that crossed my mind is that this Saturday is the last day I’ll be able to listen to music as I get ready in the morning.  I have it cranked up pretty loud so I can hear it over the sound of the shower, and it can be heard in every part of the house.  While I’m not getting married for two more weeks, I am getting a houseguest this Saturday who will be staying with me for the next two weeks.  Playing music loudly at 6 (or so) in the morning isn’t very considerate of those who might still be sleeping, whether it be houseguest or wife.

From there I went into this whole “What else will I need to change?” whirlwind – not, it should be noted, from a negative viewpoint (“I can’t believe I have to change that, that sucks!”), just from a “What’s on the horizon that I haven’t thought about?” view.

What are some things you’ve had to change that you hadn’t thought about before having to make the change?

I think it was 1996 when I drove across the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco with a vanful of other people.  We were on our way to Eugene, Oregon, and there were certainly other ways to get where we were going that would have been cheaper, but we didn’t want to miss out on the opportunity.  I don’t actually remember much about the drive across – I think it was foggy? – and if I ever go back, I think I’d like to walk it instead.

This is one of my favorite pictures ever of the bridge, taken by my friend Bonnie:

It’s a beautiful structure, and a testament to man’s ingenuity, certainly.  It’s the 9th-largest suspension bridge in the world, and there are 41 million crossings a year.  The paint is continuously being touched up, and the color is orange vermillion.  (source) The bridge is a famous landmark, and its inclusion in movies and TV shows immediately set the location and connect even science fiction stories to the present.  One of my favorite scenes involving the bridge is when the crew of the Enterprise flies a Klingon Bird of Prey underneath it in the early morning fog (Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home).

Sadly, the bridge is famous for another reason as well.  It is reportedly the number one spot in the world for suicides.  The water is about 245 feet below the bridge, and anyone jumping from it hits the water around 76mph, fast enough that the water tends to take on concrete-like properties.

I recently watched the documentary The Bridge.  I saw a trailer for it and it intrigued me.  The filmmakers set up cameras during the whole year of 2004, with the specific intent of catching on film people jumping from the bridge.  There are interviews with family members and friends of those who jumped, and there are also clips of a man who survived his jump, a man who decided immediately after his hands left the railing that he “didn’t want to die.” It is a surprisingly moving film, but it is at the same profoundly disturbing.

I was touched by these family members’ stories, and saddened by these souls who had made this decision.  I can’t honestly say I’ve ever been close to having those thoughts, and it was hard for me to understand how they came to their decisions.  At the same time, though, I kept thinking about the filmmakers, “Who are these people that can film this??”  I could not, could not, could not get my head around that.

I read around a little and found that the filmmaker tricked the Bridge committee into letting him film by saying he wanted to “capture the powerful, spectacular intersection of monument and nature that takes place every day at the Golden Gate Bridge.”  The “making of” featurette on the DVD didn’t alleviate the creepy feeling I had, either.  Yes, the film crew would call 911 when they had a suspected jumper, but it all seemed terribly voyeuristic and exploitive.

With that said, I still think the film is an important one.  My first thoughts upon finishing it were “Anyone planning to be a therapist or a counselor should watch this” and “I need to know my friends better and keep an eye out for any signs of any self-destructive thoughts.”  Overall I felt… helpless.  There were 24 people that jumped from the Golden Gate Bridge in 2004.  I didn’t know any of them, and now I never will.  John Donne said it best, I think: “Any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind.”

I am sorry for the sobering nature of this entry.   The film really had an effect on me, but I don’t want to leave it there.  There is hope.  If you or someone you know struggles with despair, please seek help:

National Association of Nouthetic Counselors
Website or call (317) 337-9100 to find a counselor near you

or

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Website or call  800-273-TALK

For some reason I got in the habit of drawing on the take-home boxes from restaurants when Megan and I go out to eat.  I am not an artist, nor do I have an urge to draw much, but this is something I’ve really enjoyed doing.  Usually I will ask her what she’d like me to draw, with the stipulation that it be something simple.  It’s normally something like flowers or a wedding dress and the like.  I tend to kid her about how she never wants me draw “manly things” like UFOs or monsters.

On Saturday we went to Puccini’s with her dad and she was away from the table when the waitress brought the box.  So I decided it was high time I drew her a robot:

I really like the look on his face – he’s either happy or crazy, and I suspect he might be a little of both.

Shine on, you crazy robot diamond.