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A while back (1 year, 6 months, and 7 days ago) I wrote an entry entitled “Advice From Chocolate.” It was a scientific study of the sayings on the insides of the wrappers to Dove Dark Chocolate Promises. I went through a bag of the chocolates and kept careful track of what each saying was, what order I pulled each saying out, and how many of each saying there were. The short version for those with no desire to wade through the rather lengthy previous entry is that there were 41 chocolates in the bag and 19 different sayings represented.

Earlier this week I was in a mood for chocolate (hey, guys have comfort foods, too!), so I bought a bag. While I love dark chocolate, I’ve been on a milk chocolate kick lately, so I bought a bag of Dove Milk Chocolate Promises this time around. The first saying was very familiar, and my low-level OCD kicked in again. I didn’t keep track of the order this time, just the frequency of the sayings. I’ve listed them below with my thoughts, and have starred the ones that appeared in the previously tested bag of chocolates. The number in parenthesis is how many times the saying showed up in this bag.

1. Be fearless (2) – Forget bungie jumping – eat a bag of chocolate and don’t worry about your arteries!
2. Sing along with the elevator music (3) – Okay, but only if it’s “My Heart Will Go On,” because I don’t know the words to “The Girl from Ipanema.” Wait – did I just reveal I know the words to “My Heart Will Go On”? Carp. Disregard that.
3. *Remember your first everything (2) – I will never forget the first time I nearly bit my tongue off nor the first time I put a rusty nail through the side of my foot. This is my promise to you, Dove Chocolate!
4. Get your feet massaged (5) – Ewww. No. Nor will I have them bitten. Nor encased in ice. Just – no. Stay away from my feet.
5. *Go to your special place (3) – I suppose I could go to another Cowboys game this year…
6. Listen to your heartbeat and dance (3) – But… dancing would increase my heart rate, which would then increase my dancing rate, which… Dude! I just ate a bag of chocolate! Are you trying to kill me??
7. Buy yourself flowers (1) – Alternatively, poke yourself in the eye with a sharp stick. Or provoke a skunk. Or get a cat that bites you constantly. These are all about equal.
8. *Make your eyes twinkle (5) – If the Borg can do it, so can you.
9. *Send a love letter this week (1) – “Dear Winona, You’ve stolen my heart…”
10. *Smile. People will wonder what you’ve been up to. (2) – OH MY WORD CAN WE RETIRE THIS PHRASE FROM THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE ALREADY? ARGH!
11. Smile before bed. You’ll sleep better. (1) – It will also make the bedbugs wonder what you’ve been up to.
12. Sometimes one smile means more than a dozen roses (1) – And sometimes one restraining order means more than a dozen cans of pepper spray.
13. When two hearts race, both win (2) – Unless they’re racing to the finish. Then both lose.

Those keeping track will notice there were fewer sayings this time around (13 vs. 19), and fewer chocolates in this bag: 34 now vs. 41 a year and a half ago. Further, those same people will notice the above list only totals 31. This is because I gave three chocolates away and did not want to explain why I wished to have the wrappers back. Regardless, this trend of 7 fewer chocolates per bag every year and a half is not one I endorse.

Also, observant readers will notice that “earlier this week” wasn’t that long ago and will surmise that I ate 31 chocolates in the space of at most 4 days. In reality, it was more like 2 days.

What can I say? I needed a lot of comfort this week, I guess.

Just because my brain works like this, when the piece of Dove dark chocolate tried to get me fired last month, I was struck with curiosity about the other phrases they might have and how frequently they might be used in a bag.

So, of course, I kept track of the next bag.

The following list is from a bag of Dove Dark Chocolate Promises. When you take the red wrapper off a piece of chocolate, there is a phrase printed inside. This is a list of the phrases used in the bag in question, in the order the pieces were eaten.

1. Whisper in the dark
2. Test your own limits and keep going
3. Make your eyes twinkle
4. Remember your first everything
5. Send a love letter this week
6. Be mischievous. It feels good.
7. Make your eyes twinkle
8. Go to your special place
9. Do what feels right
10. If they can do it, you know you can
11. Be mischievous. It feels good.
12. You know what? You look good in red.
13. Find your passion.
14. Smile. People will wonder what you’ve been up to.
15. Do what feels right
16. Smile. People will wonder what you’ve been up to.
17. Discover yourself
18. Naughty can be nice
19. There’s no excuse not to dream
20. Go to your special place
21. Discover yourself
22. Smile. People will wonder what you’ve been up to.
23. If they can do it, you know you can
24. If they can do it, you know you can
25. Do what feels right
26. Make your eyes twinkle
27. There’s no excuse not to dream
28. Go to your special place
29. If they can do it, you know you can
30. Naughty can be nice
31. Smile. People will wonder what you’ve been up to.
32. Learn something from everyone you meet
33. Write a real letter, not just an email
34. Be mischievous. It feels good.
35. Do what feels right
36. If they can do it, you know you can
37. Dare to love completely
38. Hey, why not?
39. Go to your special place
40. Remember your first everything
41. Wink at someone driving past today

So now let’s break it down a bit.

• 3x -“Be mischievous. It feels good.” Until, of course, you get called out for acting like an idiot at work. “Johnson, why did you dissolve a neon pink highlighter in the coffee this morning?” “I was being mischievous!” “Johnson, not only am I going to fire you, I’m going to hit you with this brick.”
• 1x -“Dare to love completely” I’ve tried this tactic with my cat Nutmeg and all it ever does is get me bitten. Word to the wise.
• 2x – “Discover yourself” And when you do, be sure to plant a flag on yourself.
• 4x – “Do what feels right” Unless, of course, what feels right is to carve your initials on people you meet with your pocket knife. Don’t do that.
• 1x -“Find your passion.” It’s usually in the last place you look.
• 4x -“Go to your special place” Best Buy is open from 10 a.m. to 10 p.m. most weekdays.
• 1x -“Hey, why not?” Or, conversely, why?
• 5x -“If they can do it, you know you can” This one is obviously their main message, as it was used in this bag more than any other phrase. Problem is, it’s baloney (or, if you prefer, “bologna”). Lance Armstrong can win the Tour de France seven times and date Sheryl Crow. Think you can do that? That’s what I thought. Thanks, Dove chocolate. Thanks for giving me unrealistic dreams and hopes. Jerk.
• 1x – “Learn something from everyone you meet” This one’s actually not a bad idea. it’s particularly good if you are in the habit of meeting ninja masters and stockbrokers.
• 3x – “Make your eyes twinkle” I suggest gilding them.
• 2x – “Naughty can be nice” Tell that to Santa, then enjoy your lump of coal.
• 2x – “Remember your first everything” Like that time you followed the advice given to you by a bag of chocolate and got fired, arrested, and giftless.
• 1x – “Send a love letter this week” “Dear Nutmeg, please stop biting me.”
• 4x – “Smile. People will wonder what you’ve been up to.” Is anyone else as sick of this saying as I am?
• 1x – “Test your own limits and keep going” Earlier this evening the episode of Seinfeld aired where Kramer and the car salesman take a test drive and see how far they can go. It’s nice when chocolate and Seinfeld agree on something.
• 2x – “There’s no excuse not to dream” Unless, of course, you’re on some sort of medication.
• 1x – “Whisper in the dark” Creeeeeeepy.
• 1x – “Wink at someone driving past today” Because they’re sure to see you do it at 65 m.p.h
• 1x – “Write a real letter, not just an email” This one’s also not a bad idea. One well-placed EMP blast and all your email is gone. A hand-written letter will totally survive an EMP blast, though not the fires that might follow.
• 1x – “You know what? You look good in red.” You know what? Chocolate doesn’t know anything about what makes people look good. If chocolate were to say “I will make you fat” or “I will bring you temporary happiness,” then maybe I’ll believe it. I’m pretty sure this is meant as an inside joke referring to the fact that the chocolate itself is wrapped in red, but I don’t need chocolate taking up my valuable time doing self-affirmations. Increase your self-esteem on your own time, chocolate! Regardless, I’ll probably wear my red shirt tomorrow, just in case.

In case you worry about me keeping track of a bag of chocolate, let me assure you: you have every right to worry. There isn’t a bag of M&M’s or Skittles I open that I don’t want to separate into piles by color, and my cereal boxes are generally organized by height. If there’s a minor I can major on, I’ll do it.

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EDIT: There is now a sequel to this post.