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Pledge drives produce conflicting feelings in me, and I can't be the only one. I'm talking specifically about the pledge drives that radio stations do, as I rarely run across the TV ones, and even more specifically about a station here in town. I realize that non-profit stations need to raise money somehow, but there has to be a better way, doesn't there?

Most of the chatter they do to try to convice you to chip in can be pretty much summed up in the last thing Kramer says in this quote from an episode of Seinfeld entitled "The Pledge Drive":

Nana: Hello, I'd like to speak with Jerry. This is his grandmother.

Kramer: Oh, uh, Nana. Hello.

Nana: Tell Jerry I'm sorry, I'm going to have to write him some new checks.

Kramer: As long as you've got your checkbook out, how about forking a little over to PBS? You watch the station, don't you? You don't want to be a freeloader.

Here's this station that I've been sort of nonchalantly listening to when BAM! - pledge drive week. Now, rather than just listening, I'm being confronted with the fact that by not chipping in, I'm being an awful, awful person.

Sure, I realize this sort of thing is a necessity. It's nice to not have to hear commercials all the time, and the people that work at the station should get paid for what they do. In fact, there was a time in my life where I really wanted to work in radio. I still wonder every now and again if I'd have been any good at it. So I can understand that part of it.

But the hassling! These normally friendly people are saying things like "Only 5% of our listeners have donated" and "If you're not a part of this, you're missing out" and all it sounds like to me is a couple of knuckle-cracking thugs looking around and saying, "Nice radio you got here. Be a shame if anything happened to it."

So I'm equal parts ashamed and annoyed, the first because I can't bring myself to donate and the second because I can't bring myself to stop listening to them badger me. I'm some sort of sadistic freeloader, which seems like a contradiction in terms.

The good thing is that the pledge drive is over now. I guess we'll see if there's still a station to listen to in a month.

Labels: grr, Seinfeld

5 comments

Dove Chocolate is at it again. It thinks it's so smart, with all of the advice and "wisdom." Here's today's big life-changing piece of guidance:


This is the most ridiculous piece of nonsense that ever was. First of all, people do this anyway. Why does Dove Chocolate think a person is eating a bag of Dove Chocolate, hmm? It's like reminding people to open their eyes when they drive or put a coat on when it's cold outside -- actually, now that I've typed that out, I realize that teenagers do need to be told those things, so maybe this particular piece of chocolate-encasing advice was meant for a teenager. Hmm. If so, that's still a ridiculous thing to tell a teenager to do! Yikes.

Secondly, following my instincts is what got me where I am today, for the most part. So... yeah.

I was immediately reminded of the episode of Seinfeld entitled "The Opposite." George decides that since his instincts have gotten him where he is, from then on he's going to do the opposite of his first instinct. Here's the pivotal scene:

George: Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but ... I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every [aspect] of life, be it something to wear, something to eat - It's all been wrong.

(A waitress comes up to George)

Waitress: Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.

George: Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted ... and a cup of tea.

Elaine: Well, there's no telling what can happen from this.

* * * * *

Jerry: If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.

George: Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do something!

Dove Chocolate and George Costanza: two diametrically opposed fonts of knowledge for the ages.



And, yes, before anyone starts in on me, I'm well aware that neither Dove Chocolate nor Seinfeld episodes are anything a person should be basing their life on. Thank you for worrying.

Labels: life, Seinfeld

4 comments

From The Consumerist:

If you object to George Costanza's habit of double dipping—now you have a scientific study to back it up.

The study was conducted by Prof. Paul L. Dawson, a food microbiologist, who decided to experiment with "double dipping" after watching a Seinfeld re-run in which a character named "Timmy" objects to George's dubious dipping habits.

Professor Dawson told the New York Times that he expected "little or no microbial transfer" as a result of double dipping.

He was wrong.

Double dippers are just as gross as you've always suspected:

The team of nine students instructed volunteers to take a bite of a wheat cracker and dip the cracker for three seconds into about a tablespoon of a test dip. They then repeated the process with new crackers, for a total of either three or six double dips per dip sample. The team then analyzed the remaining dip and counted the number of aerobic bacteria in it. They didn't determine whether any of the bacteria were harmful, and didn't count anaerobic bacteria, which are harder to culture, or viruses.

There were six test dips: sterile water with three different degrees of acidity, a commercial salsa, a cheese dip and chocolate syrup.

On average, the students found that three to six double dips transferred about 10,000 bacteria from the eater's mouth to the remaining dip.

Each cracker picked up between one and two grams of dip. That means that sporadic double dipping in a cup of dip would transfer at least 50 to 100 bacteria from one mouth to another with every bite.

Yuck. So, what now? "The way I would put it is, before you have some dip at a party, look around and ask yourself, would I be willing to kiss everyone here? Because you don't know who might be double dipping, and those who do are sharing their saliva with you," says Professor Dawson.

Germs. You can't trust 'em.

Labels: food, Seinfeld, things I've learned

11 comments

Despite what it looks like, I am not following up Beatles Week with Vanilla Ice Week (regardless of Brent's suggestion).

On Saturday, a bunch of Careerians went to an Indiana Ice hockey game (weirdly, their webpage has an ad before you get to any content.) It was only the second hockey game I've ever been to, and while it certainly was fun, nothing occurred during the game that would elicit a reaction anywhere near this:

From L. to R: Jen, some of Melissa's hair (I think maybe she's glad she didn't show up in a picture where I look like a raving loonie), me, Jodi, and Melissa (a different Melissa!)

That picture actually shows up on on the Indiana Ice website, in the photo gallery for this game, along with a few other pictures of our group (thanks, Jonell, for finding them!). I think we can all be glad there is no video of me trying to get a free T-shirt by whooping and hollering. What's a little loss of dignity in the face of getting a free T-shirt? Sadly, it didn't pan out, so lost some dignity for nothing. That probably would have happened without the prospect of a free T-shirt anyway, so I'm okay with it.

As I've mentioned, the game was fun. Hockey's kind of like a fast moving, more violent soccer. While no actual fights broke out (much to Lee's disappointment), there were plenty of solid hits. It was relatively high-scoring for a hockey game (4-3) and even went into overtime and ended in a shootout, so it's hard to complain about the lack of a fight.

What was more interesting to me was the immediate sense of community bestowed by the game. I'd never been to an Ice game before and was only barely aware there even was a hockey team in the state, but there I was rooting for the Ice like I'd gone to school with each of them. Collective pronouns were par for the course - "We need a goal!" "Our guy just smacked into that other guy!" and that kind of thing. It wasn't just me, either. We were all rooting for "our" team, made "ours" because it says "Indiana" right on their jerseys and we, being Hoosiers, had to root for them. If it had been two Indiana teams, we would have had to choose between them using a complex algorithm using geographic proximity, experiences in the respective towns, and location of family and friends.

I was again reminded of the Jerry Seinfeld bit where he talks about sports (paraphrased): "You got a guy on your team and you love him. He's the greatest guy there is. During the offseason, he gets traded to a different team, and when that team plays against your team, you hate the guy. He's the worst guy ever. What's different? The guy hasn't changed. All that's changed are the clothes he's wearing. We're rooting for laundry, basically."

I'm not a full-on Sports Guy by any stretch of the imagination. I don't memorize stats, I barely know the players on my favorite teams, and I don't plan my day around watching games. Even so, I find it's easy to get excited in the sports atmosphere. There's a sense of camaraderie with the other fans, even if you're rooting for different teams - rivalry is its own specific sort of camaraderie - and it's a good feeling to have that connection with other members of the human race, even if it's for something as unimportant as a minor league hockey game.

It was a good time, and I really only have two quibbles:

1. Our team lost.
2. They never once played "Ice Ice Baby" in the arena, a song that you would just assume would be their theme song, wouldn't you?

Labels: career class, Seinfeld, sports

10 comments

Song Info (from Beatlesongs):"Here Comes the Sun" is on the Abbey Road album and was 100% written by Harrison, who also sang lead on it. He was quoted as saying it seemed like winter in England went on forever and responsibilities with Apple (The Beatles' recording venture) were getting him down, so one day he took off, went to Eric Clapton's house, and wandered around in the gardens with one of Clapton's acoustic guitars and wrote this song.

Earlier this year my cousin Jim posted suggestions on how to wake up early. A few months later, Gretchen did a post on gaining more time in your day. While I'd been mulling Jim's thoughts for a while (six months!), Gretchen's was a kick-in-the-seat sort of enabling post that got the ball rolling for me.

During the summer I had gotten into the habit of going to bed really late. This, of course, made it difficult for me to get up on time in the morning. With that kind of start to my day, I was having difficulties just getting stuff done and even feeling like getting stuff done. Every few weeks I'd hard-crash and have to take a day to try and catch up on all the sleep I'd been missing, something "they" always say is impossible to do. Once your sleep is lost, it's lost, man. Best you can do is try better in the future.

With the new school year fast approaching, I decided a change was in order. So, pretty much just like that, I started getting up at 5:00 a.m. And, just like that, it was a good thing. I had time to eat breakfast, do some reading, catch up on email, forums, blogs, and comics, and still get to work on time, even early many days. I was up before the sun, even when the sun was getting up earlier than normal (stupid DST *grumblemutterfume*).

There were other benefits, too, harder to define. Because I started putting some order into this area of my life, it seemed like other areas of my life started feeling more orderly. I felt better throughout the day, my thinking was more clear, I was organizing all of my time a little better, and I was being a more effective friend. Living on a schedule was helping me live more specifically.

There were a few downsides, of course, the main one being that I would get tired earlier in the evening. To get up at 5, I needed to be in bed somewhere between 9-9:15 p.m. Any later than that and it started getting difficult to get up at 5. Too many days of that in a row and it became almost impossible. The only solution was to go to bed at the right time. This meant forgoing "just one more level" on my latest game or that "one more episode of Seinfeld" while sitting on the couch. Just like anything worthwhile, it meant giving up something in the now for benefits in the future.

I kept at it very well for a few months - like most anything, a habit can be made of it. But, then, somewhere along the way, and for reasons I can't specifically point out, it fell away. I'd stay up past 10 one night and then feel too sleepy to get out of bed until closer to 6 in the morning. Since I wasn't resting well, I'd be sleepy during the day, but get a burst of energy in the evening and stay up late again. I'd be out with friends and not want to leave at 8:45 to get home in time to go to bed when I needed to. Little things kept creeping back in, and pretty soon I was back to living haphazardly, along with the malaise and the lack of will to go along with it.

One of my original intentions with getting up early was to eventually start exercising in the morning. I never got to that point, and I'm certainly not at that point these days with my late rising. Winter seems to make early rising more difficult - even those of us who aren't "outdoors people" feel the difference that less sunlight in a day makes.

I know what I need to do, and I know it can be done - after all, I've done it before. I'm a firm believer that a person can change from being a "night person" to a "morning person" because I've done it a few times in my life. It takes effort, though, and that's usually what stops a person - it's what stops me from doing most of the things in my life that I ought to be doing.

I think it's high time I get back to it. Regardless of the snowfall we had last night, I feel the ice is slowly melting. It feels like years since it's been clear.

It's all right. Or at least it will be.

Labels: Beatles Week, life, Seinfeld

8 comments

I don't answer calls from numbers I don't recognize. I just don't. I'm not alone in this, so don't look at me like I'm some kind of freak. Voicemail was created for exactly this sort of situation: you leave a message letting a person know who you are. That's just how it works. Like George Costanza said, "You know, we're living in a society! We're supposed to act in a civilized way!" Part of living in society is leaving voicemails.

That's really not my main point, but it needed to be said.

Anyway, there is one exception I make. I have a friend who lives in a different state. He has an aversion to being named here, so I won't tell you anything more about him except that he lives in the 419 area code, likes snakes, and one time played three recorders in front of a live audience (one in his mouth and one in each nostril).

I occasionally receive calls from him him from work. Since his workplace has several different phone lines, I don't have them all in my cell phone under his name. Therefore, I don't recognize the numbers. I do, however, recognize the 419 area code, so I'll generally still pick up. It's one of the perks of being a friend of mine for 20+ years (no, I'm still not telling you his name).

So the other night when my phone rings and it's a 419 area code, I don't hesitate to pick it up. I immediately say, "You're lucky I recognize your area code or else I'd never answer the phone when you call." This was somewhat confusing to the lady on the other end of the line, who was actually calling to get my opinions on the local political landscape (which I also felt was weird - why is someone from a completely different state calling to ask me about my local city government? And where did she get my number?).

It took a minute or two to straighten out the confusion, and by that time I felt she had earned my time, so I went ahead and answered her questions.

So now I'm faced with the fact that I have a very specific Kryptonite, and if my defenses are that easily overcome, what's next? Will I start answering calls from any area code with those three numbers - 491, 941, 914? It's a slippery slope and I'm more than a bit concerned.

Labels: phone, quirks, Seinfeld

10 comments

Welcome to a new feature on MadMup.com. I've lived longer than most of my readers have, so maybe there's a thing or two I can warn you about. And, as I've heard it said, "If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning."

• a small Blizzard from Dairy Queen is every bit as good and filling as a medium, with slightly less "bad stuff" in it
• it's worth it to take a long trip to see friends you don't get to see often
• your outlook on life really does make a difference on how life affects you
• you should re-try things you know you don't like every so often, just to see if your tastes have changed
• if your closest friends and most trusted advisors are telling you there's something you need to change in your life, it's possible they have your best interests at heart and you should listen to what they're telling you

Watch for future episodes of "Things I've Learned," where we'll talk about things like how there's a Seinfeld episode for just about any topic and why cats are a perfect example of selfishness.

Labels: Seinfeld, things I've learned

5 comments

I've gotten some good feedback on the crossword puzzle in the last post, including one friend who called me 4-5 times about it to update me on his progress and try to weasel answers out out of me. I never gave him (or anyone!) the answers, but something I said during his last call spurred him into figuring out the last answer he was missing and he's the first (and only, so far!) 100%.

If you just want the answers, click here. If you want the long, drawn-out version of the answers, read on!

Across
1. My favorite author - Steinbeck, as in "John." My favorite book of his is Of Mice and Men.
7. I apparently looked like one in high school - Muppet. My current screenname is an adaptation of it.
9. I have participated in the growth of The World's Largest Ball of __________ - Paint. It is located in Alexandria, IN.
13. The Cynical _______. I met her in Dallas. - Tyrant. And you know? She wasn't really all that tyrannical. Nor cynical!
14. I was in a wedding here earlier this year - Canada. Specifically, a town called "Yarmouth." I think it was named after what a pirate tells you to shut when you're talking too much.
16. My other 20-year friend - Josh. This one lost a little with the inclusion of the word "other" since the "first" one doesn't come until later in the puzzle. incidentally, Josh is the one who got the 100% on the puzzle.
19. Internal organ that Internetians are most likely to steal - Kidneys. This is based on the urban legend of the people waking up in a bathtub full of ice and missing one. And by "urban legend" I mean "actual fact, you better believe it because it will most certainly happen to you, I'm not kidding."
21. My "catchall" entries, "_________ of Nothing" - Apropos. Taken from a line in "All I Wanna Do," a Sheryl Crow song that I don't actually like that much.
24. I have played every game in this series and finished most of them - Tomb Raider. I know what you're thinking, but it isn't because of Lara Croft. I love the gameplay of the series - it tends to be just the right amount of difficulty for me without being too hard.
25. I spend too much time and money here - Best Buy. More money than time, really.
28. My favorite movie - Batman. Batman Begins is a better Batman movie, but this 1989 movie is more fun to watch.
29. Evil (but cute!) cat - Nutmeg. Beauty, as they say, is only skin-deep. And if she had her way, she'd flay you in the name of "research."
30. My second-favorite superhero - Spiderman. There's supposed to be a hyphen in there, but that doesn't translate so well into crossword puzzles. Plus, this way you can pronounce it like it's a last name: "Hi, I'm Jeff Spiderman. I just moved in across the way and your dog's been in my garbage."
32. He's white & nerdy and so am I - Weird Al. I'm not as nerdy as the song claims he is, but I score pretty high on the chart.
35. Subject of an interesting book I read recently - Cadavers. The book was Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers.
42. I am resistant to it - Change. Especially pennies. Ha! Really, I like routine and rarely enjoy variations.
43. I have had mixed results dealing with this site. Current status: I don't trust it. - eBay. I'm right around a 50% success rate and it has done nothing to help my faith in my fellow man.
44. My current ringtone - Mahna Mahna. It was featured on the first episode of "The Muppet Show" and it instantly cheers me up when I hear it.
46. The name of the improv group I'm part of - One Size Fits All. That is so not true.
48. I can only play up to "Medium" difficulty - Guitar Hero. While I have played a few songs on Hard, I can't do it very well and I don't enjoy it.
49. Fellow I've collaborated with on four Theater Hopper strips so far - Joerules. That's his screenname, but he really does, art-wise.
50. My term for a person (me) who refuses to watch movies on videotape - DVDlitist. See, the last "D" in "DVD" ends in the same "E" sound as the "E" in "elitist," so that's why that works.
51. I occasionally make this kind of cake - Twinkie. But it's been a long, long time. Too long, I suspect.
52. I write these for videogames - Reviews. For two-and-a-half years now. Weird.
53. My favorite group - The Beatles. I realize the clue is misleading - group of what? Stars? Muscles? Latin participles?

Down
2. My term for hiding out in one's home and avoiding contact with others - Turtling. The teenaging, mutanting, and ninjaing are all optional.
3. I bought a miniature version of this Inuit statue - Inukshuk. I have it displayed in a bookshelf at the top of my stairs and see it every day and it still reminds me that "people have been here before." it's comforting.
4. I have two friends with this name - Brian. One in Wisconsin, one in New Mexico. They are both smarter than me.
5. My work and my life - Computers. It's depressing sometimes. One good EMP blast and it's all gone!
6. They are on every plane everywhere. Watch out! - Snakes. you might think this is an oversimplification but I can assure you that it is not.
8. Where I grew up - Wisconsin. It made me the hearty outdoors-loving soul you see today. Okay, so maybe not. But I do like cheese!
10. A hobby I'm trying to start - Origami. It isn't going well. I enjoy the end results but get frustrated with the foldings.
11. My term for an online person - Internetian. I'm not sure which way I like pronouncing it, though. Making the last "T" a hard one is easier to say, but making the "TI" a "SH" sound makes it akin to "Martian," which appeals to me.
12. My birthday - May six. Only six months away!
15. The country in which my farthest-away friend lives - Australia. It is also a continent!
17. The subject taught by my favorite teacher ever - Literature. She also taught English, but it is her Lit classes that were the more memorable.
18. Brand of chocolate that tries to ruin my life with the sayings on its wrappers - Dove. It has tried to get me to flirt, which is not a good idea at one's job, I don't think.
20. My favorite director - Tim Burton. There's something about his warped view of the world - odd, but not scary - that appeals to me.
22. Where I side in an age-old debate - Ninjas. One ninja in one night could do away with a whole boatload of pirates, so I don't even know why this is a debate.
23. _________ From School, a series I swear I'll finish eventually - Memories. Wouldn't it be great if I finished at least one thing I started this year?
25. I am afraid of them - Birds. Another misleading clue, as there are a hundred things that could go in here. Like "germs," for instance.
26. _________ & Noble: where I get my hot chocolate fix - Barnes. When I was in first grade, I had a sorta-crush on a girl with this last name. Coincidence? Yeah, I think so.
27. All I Need To Know About Life I Learned By Watching _________ - Seinfeld. Seriously, I'm compiling a list.
31. Embarrassing character on my luggage - Darth Maul. But not anymore!
33. One of my 20-year friends - Dave. Who, at last count, was still missing three of these answers.
34. Nice cat, named after a Star Wars character - Dala. She is just about the sweetest cat that has ever lived.
36. Best. Boardgame. Ever. - Scrabble. I'm hoping to play a game or two of it this weekend!
37. My favorite NFL team - Dallas Cowboys. Some day they'll be good again, I swear.
38. State I've only been to twice but have had a life-long interest in - Texas. And my two visits to it haven't ruined that interest. I'm planning to go back in December. Maybe I should move there...
39. According to at least one friend, I have too many of these to keep track of - Quirks. I found that most people wanted to guess "movies." Owning too many movies is another quirk, I guess.
40. My favorite female singer - Sheryl Crow. I can think of nothing else to add here.
41. My celebrity crush - Winona Ryder. *swoon* Uh... can guys swoon? I guess so, because I just did.
45. My home town for now - Lafayette. For all you stalkers out there, that'd be the Indiana version.
47. I finally bought a 30Gb version earlier this year - iPod. And I've enjoyed it for the most part, too.

So there you go. Hope you had fun with it, because I did!

Labels: Scrabble, Seinfeld

3 comments

Years: 1982-83
Teacher: Mr. Johnson

I think it was Leo Tolstoy who asked “War! (huh-yeah) What is it good for?”* If Mr. Johnson’s teaching methods are any indication, it’s at least good for instructional films on the topic. My entire fifth grade experience can be nearly summed up with the phrase “war films.”

Mr. Johnson seemed really old to me when I was in fifth grade and even now I don’t really have concept of how old he was. I believe he was a veteran, but I don’t know which war it was. My guess would be the Korean War, as I’m pretty sure he was too young for World War II and a little too old for Vietnam. That’s all speculation, of course. All I know is that we watched film after film of World War II. They were the black and white newsreel type, and when they were done, they always elicited the same response in all of us:

“Backwards! Backwards!”

It's surprising how often he let us do it. I’m not sure what the appeal was, but we always wanted to see the exact same film we just saw, only in reverse with no sound. I’m sure it was funny to see all the soldiers, tanks, and planes going backwards, but I’d bet it was more because that took up more class time. It’s the eternal struggle of students versus teachers: teachers want to teach, students don’t want to learn; teachers want to utilize class time, students want to get the teacher off-topic. In that sense, it’s much like the war films: ground is won, ground is lost, there are casualties, and every so often, somebody brings out the heavy artillery and concessions are made and reparations paid. Getting a diploma is like getting a signed peace treaty – “We will no longer pursue this war. You can no longer badger us and we won’t try to make you learn anything else.”

Mr. Johnson couldn’t see all that well and he was pretty gruff. If you were in the back of the classroom you could goof off fairly safely if you weren’t too overt. Bad kids had to sit in the front row. I remember this because I sat in the front row a lot.

I didn’t always sit in the front row, though. I know for a fact that I sat in the back-right corner of the classroom for a while. I know this because my efforts at class clowning were aided by the wall in that corner. Mr. Johnson would frequently leave the classroom for brief periods of time and we were expected to behave. I, of course, took these opportunities to not behave. For a short time I accomplished this by doing headstands up against the wall very briefly. Unfortunately, one day I wasn’t brief enough and Mr. Johnson saw me when he came back in. A firm believer in “let the punishment fit the crime,” he had me do a headstand in front of the room against the wall for an extended time. I’m not sure how long it was, but it felt like hours. I was told later that my face had been super-red. I’m sure it was dangerous to make a kid stand on his head for a long time, but that’s just how Mr. Johnson rolled. He also didn’t waste time sending kids to the office – if you had earned yourself a spanking, you got it out in the hallway. Anybody that happened to be in the hallway at the time was privy to all of the proceedings. Whether that was meant to be an example or another facet of the punishment, I’ll never know. It served as both.

Fifth grade is the year I start having memories of what the other kids were doing. My previously-mentioned not-friend-yet Josh knocked the clock off the wall above the chalkboard one day, right as Mr. Johnson came back into the room. Josh was pretty tall, and I think he was showing how high he could jump. The look on his face as he caught the clock and looked up to see Mr. Johnson can only be described as “mortified.” I may have secretly delighted in his getting in trouble, I’m not sure. Josh was popular. Really popular. He was smart, athletic, and funny, a sure recipe for success in school. We weren’t friends, on my part probably because I was jealous and on his part probably because he had enough friends already, and, frankly, why bother? Again, this is speculation on my part, and I leave it to Josh to give his side of the story should he ever be inclined.

This was the year Larry K. joined our class and he and I started a destructive friendship. Whether it was shooting the bratty neighbor’s kid in the leg with a BB gun or almost burning down his house by using kerosene in the wood heater, Larry was a never-ending source of danger. Our class took a field trip to his family farm, and I remember he showed me a family of baby raccoons that were hidden away in the barn. I also remember him telling me later that they were no longer alive, and I got the distinct impression he might have had a hand in it. The thing about Larry was that he was given to telling expanded versions of the truth, so it was difficult to distill actualities out of his conversation. At the same time, if the conversation was about destructive behavior, it was easy to believe he was being factual.

We already had one set of non-identical twins (is that “fraternal”? I can never remember) in the class, but this year we got a set of twin sisters who were, by nature of being new, weird. That’s just how it works: new kids are weird kids. I’m sorry. That’s nothing against them, it’s just how the rules work. We didn’t make them, we just followed them. They were identical twins, and, as it happened, they were born on my birthday, making us ersatz triplets. We didn’t really play that angle up until we got to high school, but it was strange to me to share my birthday, and with twins, no less! Because they were new and weird, though, we (the guys) concocted a scenario in which Scot J. was in love with one of the twins (Kerry), mostly to give Scot a hard time for some now-forgotten reason. I hear rumors that Scot’s a millionaire now. Hmm. There’s a life lesson in there somewhere, but I can’t decipher it.

Though we got a small morning snack break in fifth grade, we stopped having two recesses. It was Life’s way of teaching us that with age came less fun and it was usually disguised as “more responsibility” or “character.”

Two things I remember being very popular in fifth grade: fruit roll-ups and The A-Team. Fruit roll-ups I got to experience fairly regularly, in all their difficult-to-eatness, The A-Team, not so much. My brother and I weren’t allowed to watch TV aside from occasional parentally-approved things, but The A-Team certainly wasn’t on that list. I caught an episode or two here and there, but most of my appreciation for Mr. T has come after the fact. His in-your-face no-nonsense fool-pitying approach to life should be a lesson to us all, I feel.

Sixth grade meant moving into the “other half” of the building, and into a whole ‘nother phase of life.





*This is a Seinfeld reference, lest you think I am misinformed.

Labels: school memories, Seinfeld

2 comments

I stole this from my friends Brandy and Felicia and they totally don't even know!

(In other news, this is a filler entry!)

Four Jobs You Have Had In Your Life
1. Hardware store salesman
2. Custodian at a leather-cleaning place
3. Director of student activities at a college
4. Computer tech

Four Movies You Could Watch Over and Over
1. Batman
2. Ghostbusters
3. Star Wars
4. Men in Black

Four Places You Have Lived
1. Cambridge, WI
2. Ft. Atkinson, WI
3. Watertown, WI
4. Lafayette, IN

As it turns out, those are the only four places I've lived.

Four TV Shows You Love(d) to Watch
1. Seinfeld
2. Star Trek (TOS and TNG)
3. Scrubs
4. Arrested Development

Four Places You Have Been on Vacation
1. Treasure Island, FL
2. England
3. Washington, D.C.
4. Gatlinburg, TN

Four Places You Want to Visit
1. The Grand Canyon
2. Las Vegas (I don't know why!)
3. The last few states I've never been to (AK, AZ, HI, NM, NV, OK)
4. Your house

Four Websites You Visit Daily
1. The THorum
2. Google
3. Get Fuzzy
4. Pearls Before Swine

Four of Your Favorite Foods
1. Pasta with alfredo sauce
2. Baked potatoes
3. Cereal
4. Dark chocolate

Four Things Currently on the Floor in Your Car
1. Floor mats
2. A spare tire
3. Ice scrapers (2)
4. Uh... little rocks?

Go ahead! Steal it from me for your blog!

Labels: Seinfeld

3 comments

It is apparent to me that, the older I get, the more of a lizard I'm becoming.

The last few years, once winter hits, my skin dries out. Though it's not happened yet this winter, I've had it where my hands are so dry that they bleed a little. The skin on my back must also get fairly dry, because it gets itchy. And when I say "itchy" here, I mean "feels like if I stretch it too much, the skin could split right open and, BAM, there'd be my spine on display."

So, of course, I need to put lotion on my hands. Lotion! I object to lotion on the following grounds:

1) Girlie smells.
2) Slimy hands.

It's a small list, but an important one.

They don't make moisturizing lotion that smells "manly." It's all lavender and cucumber and fruity, and even the standard stuff that isn't flavored has a definite lotion-y smell to it. While I might really like the smell of vanilla, there's a difference between liking the smell and smelling of it. I'm not a he-man, lumberjack, motorcycle-riding sort of a man already, and adding "vanilla-scented" to the list of what I am is probably just pushing it.

I also hate, hate, HATE the way my hands feel after lotion is applied. Ever see that episode of Seinfeld where Kramer has just applied hand lotion and then has trouble opening a door? That's how I feel, even if that doesn't really happen. It's kind of the same way I feel after trying to wash my hands with soft water - it feels like there's a layer of soap still on me. Ewww.

In the end, though, having lotion-scented hands beats out having scaly, bleeding hands. People are slightly less likely to recoil in horror at the lotion-scentedness. Of course, once I regrow a limb and scale the walls looking for insects, they're back to recoiling, but what can you do?

Labels: Seinfeld

9 comments

Just because my brain works like this, when the piece of Dove dark chocolate tried to get me fired last month, I was struck with curiosity about the other phrases they might have and how frequently they might be used in a bag.

So, of course, I kept track of the next bag.

The following list is from a bag of Dove Dark Chocolate Promises. When you take the red wrapper off a piece of chocolate, there is a phrase printed inside. This is a list of the phrases used in the bag in question, in the order the pieces were eaten.

1. Whisper in the dark
2. Test your own limits and keep going
3. Make your eyes twinkle
4. Remember your first everything
5. Send a love letter this week
6. Be mischievous. It feels good.
7. Make your eyes twinkle
8. Go to your special place
9. Do what feels right
10. If they can do it, you know you can
11. Be mischievous. It feels good.
12. You know what? You look good in red.
13. Find your passion.
14. Smile. People will wonder what you’ve been up to.
15. Do what feels right
16. Smile. People will wonder what you’ve been up to.
17. Discover yourself
18. Naughty can be nice
19. There’s no excuse not to dream
20. Go to your special place
21. Discover yourself
22. Smile. People will wonder what you’ve been up to.
23. If they can do it, you know you can
24. If they can do it, you know you can
25. Do what feels right
26. Make your eyes twinkle
27. There’s no excuse not to dream
28. Go to your special place
29. If they can do it, you know you can
30. Naughty can be nice
31. Smile. People will wonder what you’ve been up to.
32. Learn something from everyone you meet
33. Write a real letter, not just an email
34. Be mischievous. It feels good.
35. Do what feels right
36. If they can do it, you know you can
37. Dare to love completely
38. Hey, why not?
39. Go to your special place
40. Remember your first everything
41. Wink at someone driving past today

So now let's break it down a bit.

• 3x -"Be mischievous. It feels good." Until, of course, you get called out for acting like an idiot at work. "Johnson, why did you dissolve a neon pink highlighter in the coffee this morning?" "I was being mischievous!" "Johnson, not only am I going to fire you, I'm going to hit you with this brick."
• 1x -"Dare to love completely" I've tried this tactic with my cat Nutmeg and all it ever does is get me bitten. Word to the wise.
• 2x - "Discover yourself" And when you do, be sure to plant a flag on yourself.
• 4x - "Do what feels right" Unless, of course, what feels right is to carve your initials on people you meet with your pocket knife. Don't do that.
• 1x -"Find your passion." It's usually in the last place you look.
• 4x -"Go to your special place" Best Buy is open from 10 a.m. to 10 p.m. most weekdays.
• 1x -"Hey, why not?" Or, conversely, why?
• 5x -"If they can do it, you know you can" This one is obviously their main message, as it was used in this bag more than any other phrase. Problem is, it's baloney (or, if you prefer, "bologna"). Lance Armstrong can win the Tour de France seven times and date Sheryl Crow. Think you can do that? That's what I thought. Thanks, Dove chocolate. Thanks for giving me unrealistic dreams and hopes. Jerk.
• 1x - "Learn something from everyone you meet" This one's actually not a bad idea. it's particularly good if you are in the habit of meeting ninja masters and stockbrokers.
• 3x - "Make your eyes twinkle" I suggest gilding them.
• 2x - "Naughty can be nice" Tell that to Santa, then enjoy your lump of coal.
• 2x - "Remember your first everything" Like that time you followed the advice given to you by a bag of chocolate and got fired, arrested, and giftless.
• 1x - "Send a love letter this week" "Dear Nutmeg, please stop biting me."
• 4x - "Smile. People will wonder what you’ve been up to." Is anyone else as sick of this saying as I am?
• 1x - "Test your own limits and keep going" Earlier this evening the episode of Seinfeld aired where Kramer and the car salesman take a test drive and see how far they can go. It's nice when chocolate and Seinfeld agree on something.
• 2x - "There’s no excuse not to dream" Unless, of course, you're on some sort of medication.
• 1x - "Whisper in the dark" Creeeeeeepy.
• 1x - "Wink at someone driving past today" Because they're sure to see you do it at 65 m.p.h
• 1x - "Write a real letter, not just an email" This one's also not a bad idea. One well-placed EMP blast and all your email is gone. A hand-written letter will totally survive an EMP blast, though not the fires that might follow.
• 1x - "You know what? You look good in red." You know what? Chocolate doesn't know anything about what makes people look good. If chocolate were to say "I will make you fat" or "I will bring you temporary happiness," then maybe I'll believe it. I'm pretty sure this is meant as an inside joke referring to the fact that the chocolate itself is wrapped in red, but I don't need chocolate taking up my valuable time doing self-affirmations. Increase your self-esteem on your own time, chocolate! Regardless, I'll probably wear my red shirt tomorrow, just in case.

In case you worry about me keeping track of a bag of chocolate, let me assure you: you have every right to worry. There isn't a bag of M&M's or Skittles I open that I don't want to separate into piles by color, and my cereal boxes are generally organized by height. If there's a minor I can major on, I'll do it.

-----

EDIT: There is now a sequel to this post.

Labels: OCD, Seinfeld

4 comments

The older you get, the less important it is to confine birthday-related activities to the specific day of your birthday. This also works with holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving, I've found. This year my birthday got spread out over several days, and I thought I'd give you a report. Even if it doesn't interest you, it'll be a good reminder for me when I look back at it.

It actually started in April this year, with the Sega shirt sent to me by Angie. Unexpected and way cool!

On the actual day of my birthday, I started out with what has come to be my birthday breakfast: a lemon-filled glazed Krispy Kreme donut. I don't eat them very often, so a birthday seems a perfect time to indulge.

Lunch was spent with my two friends named Beth. (Say "both Beths" out loud - it's fun to do!) Beth 1 couldn't make it to the birthday dinner later on, so she treated me to lunch. It was very nice, though I had hoped the best waitress in the world would be at the restaurant - it must have been her day off. Oh, well. (I'm not so sure I've mentioned TBWitW before, but I mean to. She's worth a whole entry on her own.)

Throughout the day I received emails, phone calls, blog comments, and text messages from friends. No one at my job said anything to me, as I'm too new for people to know about my birthday here, I guess. It's possible they just don't like me, but I'll assume the former since I'm still in a good mood from my birthday.

Birthday dinner was at Puccini's Smiling Teeth, a local Italian eatery. In attendance (alphabetically by first name): Beth 2, Jenn, Kat, Matt, Skip, Steve, & Tammy. These are all people that I've met either through improv, or through people I've known through improv. The theme: Batman, complete with table covering, balloon tied to my chair, napkins, and foam rubber batarang party favors. While they were setting up for it, the waiter came up and asked, "So how old is the birthday boy?" When they answered, "33" he apparently got a funny look in his eye. The list of presents that follows would only further that look in his eye, I think:

• A framed Batman Begins movie poster, the really cool one where he's standing in silhouette. (I'll try to get pictures of some of these things later.)
• A cheese shaker that was used on the actual set of Seinfeld. (This actually hasn't arrived yet, but I received the printout of the screen showing the winning auction.)
• Flowers. Actual flowers!
• A tricked-out Hot Wheels dairy delivery truck
• A knick-knack of two carved kitties sitting on a little couch
• A picture done using wires and tacks on black velvet of a Model T. This one is the most difficult to describe and needs to be seen.
• A Yoda Pez dispenser

Looking at that list you can make one of a couple of assumptions: either people don't know what to get me so they err on the side of giving something they might think is funny or they know me exactly and got me things they knew I would love. (I'll give you a hint: it's the second thing.)

Saturday was spent with my family. My mom, dad, brother, sister-in-law, niece, and nephew all had come down the night before, but got in pretty late, so I didn't see them until Saturday. We went to Historic Prophetstown ("Historic Prophetstown is a 300-acre site incorporated in Prophetstown State Park. It is dedicated to the preservation of agricultural, environmental, and Native American heritage. A 1920s farmstead, a restored prairie, and a developing Native American village help to interpret the stories. Learn Native American stories and lore... walk or enjoy a horse drawn ride through the prairie... visit the 1920s farmhouse... participate in the special programs and events... all at Historic Prophetstown!"), Wolf Park (this was the coolest thing - all sorts of wolves, and we got to hear them howl!), and the Tippecanoe Battlefield, with a stop at McDonald's for lunch.

Dinner was hosted at Kat's, with Matt in attendance. This was meant to introduce my two families to each other, and it went very well. Afterwards, my sister-in-law said, "Your friends are very funny." I replied, "Well, we are in an improv group together..."

A few games of Scrabble later (I won two of them) and I said goodbye to the family for the night and went to Wal-Mart with Matt and Beth 2. We might have been after some last-minute Mother's Day things, but you'll never get me to confess to it. We did, however, follow it up with some Jell-O Oreo pudding. Mmmm.

List of gifts received on Saturday:

• Money. (A gift that never goes out of style.)
• A T-shirt with the caption "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye" wherein two characters are playing keepaway with a third character's eye.
• Superman lounge pants
• A suckao kit - basically a way to prepare super-rich hot chocolate. It's Ecuadorian and was sent to me by an Australian friend. I feel so international!
• Lego Star Wars PC game. Technically this wasn't a gift, it's for review, but it came during my birthday weekend and looks like fun, so I'm counting it.
• A card from my grandma. She's finally stopped sending money, and I'm glad. Any time she did, I always felt guilty.
• A limited edition print of the last Batman drawing Bob Kane (creator of Batman, don't ya know) did before he died. Wow with the awesome.

Mother's Day lunch was at Texas Roadhouse with the family before they headed back to Wisconsin. The end of the day was spent with friends with the weekly viewing of Desperate Housewives (yay, Susan & Mike!).

On Monday, I received a birthday card from the staff at one of my old schools. Tonight I'm going out to eat with a friend from one of my old schools. That'll just about wrap up a solid several days of birthdaying.

I'm surrounded by good people. Thank you, everyone who had a part in my birthday. You all have a place in my heart.

I close with the lyrics to Older, by They Might Be Giants:

You're older than you've ever been.
And now you're even older.
And now you're even older.
And now you're even older.
You're older than you've ever been.
And now you're even older.
And now you're older still.

TIME! Is marching on.
And time.. is still marching on.

This day will soon be at an end
And now it's even sooner.
And now it's even sooner.
And now it's even sooner.
This day will soon be at an end
And now it's even sooner.
And now it's even sooner.
And now it's sooner still.

You're older than you've ever been.
And now you're even older.
And now you're even older.
And now you're even older.
You're older than you've ever been.
And now you're even older.
And now you're older still.

Labels: Scrabble, Seinfeld

1 comments

I really want you to like me. I don't like finding out that you don't like me, for whatever reason. I realize that it's usually something I've done to cause you not to like me, but I still don't like it. I want every one of you to like me.

I realize that's foolish. The more people you know or who know you, the more likely it is you'll have more people who dislike you. Celebrities have fan clubs, but you're just as likely to find a large group of people who despise them. You'd have to have thick skin to be a celeb, I think. I don't think I'd be any good at it. I'd read that reviewer who disliked me or something I did, and I'd totally call them up and take them to lunch and try to fix it.

I used to do things to get people to like me - change myself in some way, hide parts of me that I thought they might not like. It usually worked... for a while. It's kind of like those pictures in menus of desserts. They look delicious and creamy and wonderful, but the reality never quite meets up with the picture. I don't mean to imply that I'm delicious, creamy, or wonderful, I'm just saying that the picture and the reality don't seem to mesh. I could get testiomonials, if you need them...

It's happened a few times to me, though, that someone has met me - the actual, not-put-on me - and stuck around, even chosen to hang around more. You know that image you have of yourself that you get reflected from the people who picked on you in grade school? Mine doesn't jive with people choosing to spend time with me. That's not what I want to focus on, though.

Here's what I take from that: it's more important to be me than to change myself for others. If you like me like I want you to, I want you to do it because you like the actual me. Granted, here online you don't get all of me - I specifically leave a lot of myself offline. You can piece a lot of me together from what you read here, but not the whole me. That's actually the problem with onlineness, some feel. You never know who that other person really is. They could be a spleen stealer, an albino turkey farmer, or - gasp - a 32-year-old computer technician. You just never know, so it's best to be careful.

All this isn't to say that you don't change when you get to know people. Certainly not. There's a theory floating around my current circle of friends that you take something with you from someone who has been significant in your life, whether it be the way you fold your towels or the fact that you eat chicken fingers at particular restaurants now. But it's more than that. The thing I've had changed most drastically (and often) is my viewpoint.

I'll just give you one for-instance, though I could list a bunch.

I do things I like, nothing more, nothing less. I've already decided on what I like in most areas, even if I don't have much (or any) experience in the area. It's never been easy to get me to do things I didn't want to do. "Set in my ways" and "stuck in a rut" are phrases that have been applied to me more than once. Lately I've found myself trying things and doing things I never imagined I would. Like, I ate cactus a few months ago. It wasn't good and I won't do it again, but I tried it. That might not sound big, but for me, it is.

The problem is, you can't ever get across to that person who helped change you just how much they've affected you. The outward sign might be eating cactus or leaving your house for a few hours, but that doesn't really speak to the bigger, deeper change inwardly - that changing of the thought process that goes from "be safe, be familiar" to "try something new." If you've always been a "try something new" person, you can't understand the "be safe, be familiar" mindset. You just can't. It's huge.

Many times it's not even that person who helped instigate the mindset change who reaps the "benefit" of you changing. They might see you change or try something new "for" (or with) someone else and think that it was that person who made the change in you. It's almost impossible to show them how important they were in the process, how the process probably wouldn't have even happened without them.

I've long had this idea to do a character I'd call "The Annotated Comedian." After each joke, he'd hold up a card with bibliographic notes crediting who said the joke originally. The character isn't totally made-up: I have a Jerry Seinfeld or Steve Martin quote for just about any occasion, and I tend to credit them. When I try to crack jokes, I'm not all that funny. I know because I've been told by many and varied people. That conglomeration of other people isn't really me, and it shows. I've been told that when I'm not trying to make people laugh I'm funnier.

I should learn lessons from doing improv: change with the situation, go with my instinct, respond to the other people. The new things I try might not always work, but I should try them anyway. People are going to like me or not, but I want them to do it based on who I actually am.

Labels: Seinfeld

3 comments

More phone stuff... You've been warned.

It used to be that phones were pretty simple: you called someone and the phone either rang or you got a busy signal. If it rang, they either answered or they didn't, in the which case you could let it ring a hundred times if you wanted.

They were simpler times, but people wanted more.

First, people were stuck to where the phone was connected. Even a longer cord still meant you had to worry about it getting twisted or decapitating someone who was running through the house too quickly. The answer, of course, was to go cordless. With the early ones, you couldn't go very far, and the person on the other end could usually tell you were on a cordless phone, but it cut down on the beheadings. The cordless phones have gotten better, and there are cordless phones that let you walk a mile or better with a decent connection still. I'm all in favor of that, but why not just get:

A cell phone. The ultimate cordless. Go anywhere, and nertz to the base station part of it. Drive, eat, annoy people - these are just some of the things people can do while on a cell phone. They're a blessing and a curse, I think. A cell phone's the only thing I have, phone wise, but I do like the fact that I can shut it off occasionally.

Phones (both cell and landline) have tons of "features" these days:

• Call Waiting - the most hateful and deplorable invention ever conceived of by mankind. Jerry Seinfeld used to talk about losing the "phone face-off." You're on the phone with someone, they get a call on the other line, and when they get back, they tell you they "really need to take this" and you're done. That's it. How depressing to realize you're not the most important person in their life, even if you already knew it. Confirmation can be a terrible thing. I actually don't really mind if other people use call waiting. It's fine. I don't even mind losing the face-off, but I won't use call waiting. Especially not since there's
• Voicemail - Best. Invention. Ever. Answering machines were cool, but only worked if you weren't on the phone already. Now, if you're on the phone or you're not, voicemail picks up. Sweet! This is my favorite phone feature of the last 300 years, aside from the actual invention of the phone.
• Three-Way Calling - a cool idea, but potentially embarrassing, especially tied in with the call-waiting. Let's say you're a Mob boss and you're ordering a hit on a guy. Let's call him "Al." While you're on the phone with Jimmy "Fishface" Garbanza, Al calls on the other line. You switch over, talk to Al for a few seconds, then tell him you need to go and switch back over to Jimmy...only you don't. Instead, you accidentally initiate three-way calling and Al learns about your plans. Then he "flips," becomes a witness for the government, and brings down your whole organization. See? Bad idea.
• Text messaging - now we're getting into the realm of "cell phone only" features. This is a good one, too. Want to send someone a note but don't have the time for a conversation? Text them! "Hpy Brthdy 2 U" can be a worthy replacement for an actual birthday card in this Internet age, and (in my opinion) can be better. I mean, it shows you're thinking about them right at that minute. A card means "I knew your birthday was coming up, so I got this and sent it to you several days before your birthday."
• Camera phones - not really a phone feature, more a merging of two neat things. Now I have a camera with me wherever I have my phone with me, which is pretty much anywhere. Now I can take a picture of the truck with "I have magical kung fu powers" painted on it the minute I see it, rather than trying to describe it later to people.
• Games - having a portable game system (Game Boy, PSP, etc.) us great, but not necessarily the handiest thing to carry around. Having a simple game or two on your hone is quite possibly the handiest thing in the world. Standing in line? Play a few holes of golf. In the waiting room at the doctor's office? Bowl a little. There are even phones that are being marketed (though not very well) as gaming platforms that allow for multiplayer gaming between phones. Mortal Kombat in the parking lot after church probably isn't the best choice, but is at least an option now.
• Ring tones - I'm not sure why it's so fun to have a specific ringtone for a particular person, but it is. I really only have one special ringtone for one person, a sort of chirping sound. Everyone else gets "Calico Skies" by Paul McCartney.
• All sorts of other things - cell phones can almost replace a PDA these days (especially if you get the cell phone/PDA combo units), what with the scheduling, alarm, and contact info capabilities they have. They are wonderful and everyone should have one.

Two over-long posts about phones. Weird for a guy who only gets calls from like, five people. Huh.

Labels: Seinfeld

11 comments

A friend of mine and I went to a movie last night that didn't get out until midnight. Afterwards, he headed home and I ... well, I was wide awake. I headed to Wal-Mart. While I feel a certain amount of sympathy for the folks who have to work the overnight shifts, I think it's wonderful that I can wander around Wal-Mart any time of the day or night.

I really only see one problem with it. Jerry Seinfeld has a bit about late-night TV watching and how the later it gets, the more sense the infomercials make. "It's 3 in the morning, and I'm starting to think maybe I could use a knife that can cut through shoes." I think the same rule applies to late-night wandering around Wal-Mart, and I can prove it:

I bought a breadmaker at 1:00 this morning.

I've been informed that a breadmaker is one of those things that even people who enjoy cooking and making things use for a few months and then never touch again. I know it's true - I've seen it happen. But I'm walking through Wal-Mart with a few DVDs and a bag of Dove dark chocolates in my hands and I come across this relatively cheap breadmaker - one third the cost of breadmakers a few years ago! - and I start imagining the smell of bread baking and having apple butter on newly-baked bread and about how easy it is to make bread in a breadmaker, and I fold faster than Superman on laundry day.

Of course, now I'm looking at this box after getting some sleep and I'm thinking, "What kind of weird purchase is this?!" It's like I'm grasping at straws to spend money now! Next I'll be buying a fur-lined sink, or something.

You know what did it for me? I looked at a box of bread mix, fully expecting to see that I'd need to add eggs and that would be terribly inconvenient because I don't keep eggs around. Upon finding eggs were not required, I was so excited I couldn't not buy the thing.

I'm starting with gourmet white bread. If it goes well, maybe I'll move on to something fancier, and pretty soon all anyone will ever receive from as gifts are loaves of homemade bread.

That is, anyone who has a birthday in the next few months.

Labels: Seinfeld

0 comments

Over at the THorum, we have a webcam portal. Basically that means members can include a link to their webcam pictures and other members can see them all in one (usually) happy place. The idea is to change it frequently so as to keep people's attentions.

Turns out, I've got 26 pictures in the archive. I thought I'd use this program to put together a video of them.

Here's the video. It's 2.7M and it has audio, so be careful at work or wherever you don't want to awaken people. The song is "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" by Green Day, and it is one of my most favorite songs ever. It immediately infuses a semi-sad feeling of nostalgia on whatever is happening along with it. I first became aware of the song when they played it over a video montage in the clip show preceding the Seinfeld finale, so I always think of it as "the Seinfeld song."

So, anyway, enjoy.

Labels: meta, Seinfeld

0 comments

If we're going to start saving all of this daylight, are we going to earn any interest on it?

Daylight Savings Time is one of those "hot button issues" that people get fired up about...twice a year, anyway. Maybe they don't in your neck of the woods, but here in Indiana, it's hotly debated every time the non-change comes up. I say "non-change" because the majority of Indiana doesn't "spring ahead" or "fall behind." We stay the same and everyone else moves around us. There are some counties around Chicago that change with Chicago, and some counties down south that change with other major areas, but the majority of us stay at the same time all the time. Arizona and Hawaii also stay put, time-wise.

I like it. You don't have to change your clocks, so that's nice. Most electronical things automatically change themselves these days, though, so if they don't have a setting for "Indiana," I end up changing them once they've changed themselves.

Here's where it gets irritating - TV schedules.

Our prime time is 8 p.m. to 11 p.m., the same as Eastern Standard Time. From October to April, we see shows the same as, say, Georgia. Eight o'clock Indiana time in those months is the same as 7:00 in Central time (Wisconsin, for instance). Wisconsin's prime time is 7:00 p.m. to 10:00 p.m., a preferable timetable, in my opinion. So, during the winter, if I'm watching Seinfeld (let's pretend, for the sake of argument, that it's still putting out new shows) at 8:00 p.m., Georgia is also watching it at 8 p.m. and Wisconsin is seeing it at the same time, even though it's 7 p.m. for them.

Now spring ahead with me. If it's 8 p.m. in Georgia, it's 7 p.m. in Indiana and 7 p.m. in Wisconsin. (Half the year I'm on the same time as my EST friends, and the other half I'm on CST with those friends and my family.) Our TV schedule doesn't change. Seinfeld is still on at 8 for me. Here's where it gets confusing: by the time I've seen it at 8, Georgia has seen it an hour earlier, and so has Wisconsin. Georgia and Wisconsin are seeing it at the same time because 8 in Georgia is 7 in Wisconsin. I don't see it until 8 because that's our schedule, even though 8 in Indiana is like 8 in Wisconsin.

Follow?

I'll put it to you this way, if I were an American Idol or Survivor fan, it would really bother me to know that Georgians and Wisconsinites would both know the outcome of the episodes before me.

It doesn't even make sense, does it?

Here's what I would like: I would like for Indiana to stay the course and not change to the clock-flipping nonsense, but I would like Indiana to change its TV scheduling to reflect a 7 p.m. to 10 p.m. prime time. I'm not going to get into how DST saves us money and how it's best if we match up with other parts of the country because I don't care about all of that. Frankly, from what I understand, DST has a lot to do with farmers, and that doesn't make a lick of sense to me. How are farmers affected by the clock? Don't they "get up with the sun"? The sun isn't actually changing anything in its schedule, it's just us fooling around with our clocks.

Anyway, smarter people than me (yes, there are plenty) have debated this for years. The time non-change, not the TV schedule change. It comes up as an attempt to be a bill in the government every year in Indiana, and it gets defeated every time. We're a stubborn, proud lot, us Hoosiers. (We Hoosiers? Can I really call myself a Hoosier if I've only been here four years, even?)

So, CST-folk, welcome to our time zone. EST-folk, we'll see you in about six months when you've realized the error of your ways.

Labels: Seinfeld

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If you're as big a Seinfeld fan as I am (and you probably aren't), you'll really want to go to this website and watch the "Uniform" short. Seinfeld & Superman go together like cinnamon and Life.

Labels: Seinfeld

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"Boy, we have gone nuts with the phones, haven't we?" - Jerry Seinfeld, I'm Telling You for the Last Time

Everybody's got cell phones these days. People have flip phones, phones with keyboards, phones with cameras, phones with wireless gaming, phones with smaller phones in them...

Okay, maybe not that last one, but it's coming.

We all want anyone to be able to reach us at anytime. I want the public library to be able to contact me about an overdue book when I'm in Kansas. Are my pictures developed? Call me while I'm drivng to Wal-Mart for cat food. Your wife just have a baby? Call me at 2:30 a.m. (Congrats to Aundrea and Josh on the birth of Landon, BTW!) Call me anytime, anyplace - I've got a cell phone!

It's amazing, really, these little technological marvels. Almost anywhere you go in America nowadays you can get at least enough signal strength to be able to tell the person on the other end "I can't hear you! You're fading in and out!!" But for the most part, coverage is good, and something beats nothing, right?

It used to be people would check for messages as soon as they walked in the door. Now we wait for the little signal beeps from our cell phones to tell us "Hey, while you were 'out of area' or on another call 4 hours ago, someone called and left a message. I didn't feel like telling you until just now, though." And, of course, cell phones have given rise to the new saddest words in the English language: "You have no new messages."

Most cell phones have the little screen that tells you who is calling, too. Portable Caller ID. What a great invention. The screen generally only shows the number, but if you save the number you can call it whatever you want so when your crazy second-cousin calls, the screen could say "Do Not Answer!!!!!"

I think a lot of problems in sit-coms could have been avoided if they'd had cell phones. Gilligan's Island is a natural first thought, but I'm talking about as recently as Seinfeld. The only time I remember anyone using a cell phone in Seinfeld was the last episode when Elaine was doing the "cell phone walk-and-talk." And do I even need to mention how much smoother everything would have been if Mr. Ed would have had his own horse-sized cell phone?

Some people gripe about other people's cell phone usage - in restaurants, walking around, in lines, etc. Not me. I'm nosey by nature, so I love overhearing conversations. I think that there are timesyou ought to shut the phones off, of course. Church, plays, theaters - these are "cell phone free" zones, people.

The only problem I really have with cell phones is that mine is never good enough. My current model has a stupid keypad that only works occasionally, but I really like the color screen and I like the bowling game that came with it. If I get a new phone, can I be assured of the bowling game? I'd love to have a camera on my phone, and a keyboard would be nice, but I also want it to be small... I'm a forever-unsatisfied consumer.

I'm a big fan. Want some peace and quiet? Turn your phone off. Want to be depressed about how few calls you get? Leave your phone on. It's all good.

Labels: Seinfeld

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My evening disappeared!

I sat down to watch Seinfeld around 7:00 last night, and the next thing I knew, it was 11:00. I fell asleep, apparently. I didn't even get to watch Seinfeld.

I haven't checked the DVR to see if it got Smallville for me. I told it to, but I'm never sure if it's going to listen to me. Besides, there was a basketball game on beforehand, and that can mess up a TV schedule like nothing else. DVRs don't handle changes like that very well.

Here's the odd thing - somewhere along the line, Brandy called me to get me to play iSketch. I vaguely remember her calling, but I had no idea what I said. I asked her on IM this morning, and she laughed at me. She said I was out of it and that I would start sentences and not finish them. I feel I need to go on record at this time and say that I do not drink alcohol nor do I take medications of any kind. I rarely use cough syrup, even. The only thing I can think of is that I didn't take my multivitamin yesterday, so maybe that's it. Of course, my general lack of sleep may have had something to do with it, too.

This morning my computer screen had a few IM invitations to play iSketch from last night. Sorry, folks. I feel I've let you down.

I feel very rested this morning. That's bad, though, because it means I'll probably be up until all hours tonight.

Labels: Seinfeld

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I got a DVR from my cable company yesterday, and I'm a little disappointed.

DVR = digital video recorder = TiVo or ReplayTV and the like.

It's basically a VCR, but it records shows to its internal hard drive. It's a pretty cool device, as it has all sorts of connectors on the back: USB, FireWire, Ethernet, DVI. None of them currently work, but it's pretty cool. Eventually, they say, a person might be able to hook it up to one's network and yadda yadda yadda.

They also tell me it will eventually be able to do things a DVR ought to be able to do, like tune itself to the channel and record something. As it is, if you tell it to record from 6:23 to 10:22, it will record whatever channel you happen to be on. How stupid is that? There isn't even a function to tell it what channel to record! Now, I did find that if you go to the guide and highlight a coming-up show and tell it to record, it will kind of schedule it. By "kind of" I mean that one minute before it is to start, a message comes up on the screen that says "Do you want to switch to the channel and start recording?" This is a useful function for when you are away on long trips.

TiVo, from what I understand, will let you set it to record any instance of a show...say, Seinfeld. Whenever it sees an episode of Seinfeld on, it records it to the hard drive. Later, when you come back with your big bowl of cereal, you can sit down and pick which episode of Seinfeld you want to watch and fast-forward and rewind through it like it was a tape.

Guess what? My DVR won't do that, either.

It's a proprietary system, not a TiVo or ReplayTV, so they're working from the ground up on this thing and not everything has been implemented yet. Or so they say. It is supposedly a "dynamically updating system," which means software upgrades will be pushed down over the cable lines as they become available. I'll believe it when I see it.

To be fair, the new little box also incoporates an HDTV decoder, which gives me HDTV versions of channels that hardly ever have anything on them I want to watch. I will say this, though - that HDTV is sweet-looking. Very clear and sharp. And widescreen, which is important.

So, I've got a DVR. It ain't perfect, but neither am I. We'll see how the two of us get along.

Labels: Seinfeld