February 15th, 2008

Chocolate Won’t Give Up

Dove Chocolate is at it again. It thinks it’s so smart, with all of the advice and “wisdom.” Here’s today’s big life-changing piece of guidance:

Follow your instincts.

This is the most ridiculous piece of nonsense that ever was. First of all, people do this anyway. Why does Dove Chocolate think a person is eating a bag of Dove Chocolate, hmm? It’s like reminding people to open their eyes when they drive or put a coat on when it’s cold outside — actually, now that I’ve typed that out, I realize that teenagers do need to be told those things, so maybe this particular piece of chocolate-encasing advice was meant for a teenager. Hmm. If so, that’s still a ridiculous thing to tell a teenager to do! Yikes.

Secondly, following my instincts is what got me where I am today, for the most part. So… yeah.

I was immediately reminded of the episode of Seinfeld entitled “The Opposite.” George decides that since his instincts have gotten him where he is, from then on he’s going to do the opposite of his first instinct. Here’s the pivotal scene:

George: Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but … I was perceptive. I always know when someone’s uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I’ve ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every [aspect] of life, be it something to wear, something to eat – It’s all been wrong.

(A waitress comes up to George)

Waitress: Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.

George: Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing’s ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted … and a cup of tea.

Elaine: Well, there’s no telling what can happen from this.

* * * * *

Jerry: If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.

George: Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do something!

Dove Chocolate and George Costanza: two diametrically opposed fonts of knowledge for the ages.

And, yes, before anyone starts in on me, I’m well aware that neither Dove Chocolate nor Seinfeld episodes are anything a person should be basing their life on. Thank you for worrying.

4 Comments on “Chocolate Won’t Give Up”

  1. brent-ley says:

    Proverbs 14:12: There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.

    George Constanza: My inner man is an idiot!

    …scary huh?

  2. The Rock Star says:

    Someone gave me a few of those dark chocolate Dove candies yesterday. I just ate one. It says: "Whisper in the Dark". I think Dove needs new writers. Heck, I could do better than that!

  3. Anonymous says:

    Two things occur to me
    1) Maybe it's just you that Dove is after, based on your previous postings.

    2) Maybe they should get Costanza to write for them.

  4. Coach C says:

    I have successfully based several life decisions on Seinfeld.

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